Please Call a Cease Fire: My Plea to Impact Wrestling to Stop with the Shootiness

Pictured, Hogan, Sting and Bischoff doing something I hate
Photo Credit: ImpactWrestling.com

Dear Impact Wrestling,

As you prepare to air another episode on Spike TV tonight, I am coming to you with this plea. Granted, it'll do no good for this week or the week after, given that you've already taped the episodes, but hear me out anyway. There's a reason why I pan the shit out of your program each week. It's not because I'm a hater. Lord knows I want to like your product, and I want to praise it and I want to give your company all the credit in the world. I don't dislike Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo because of some arbitrary reason.

No, over the last 15 years (15 years), I've seen them systematically destroy the art of professional wrestling in ways that outside forces can only dream of doing. Under their watch, one company became so undesirable for the people running it that they sold it to their biggest competitor even though it was still pulling strong ratings₁ on its weekly television program. A big reason for that was because under the tenure of Russo and sometimes Bischoff, the magic of professional wrestling, a magic known to carny folk and to smarky wrestling fans alike as kayfabe, was dealt a critical blow. It was cute when Russo had to answer to Vince McMahon, and it helped draw huge numbers (even though I still maintain that it was more the on-screen charisma of Bret Hart, Steve Austin, Shawn Michaels, The Rock, Mick Foley, Triple H and even McMahon himself that had more to do with that than anything Russo ever did or said outside of maybe "Hey, why don't we let these mooks be themselves!"). However, when left to his own devices in WCW, his continual drawing back of the curtain, making everything a "shoot" and continual scatterbrained direction caused WCW to die a grisly death. Add in Bischoff from time to time, a man who never met a legal storyline between two NPCs that he didn't like, and you had someone who helped piss away WCW's lead on the then-WWF when he was on top and then helped accelerate Russo's best unintentional Dr. Kevorkian impersonation when he came back in.

So, it should come as no surprise that your numbers aren't as good as you think they should be. Of course, I'm not interested in your analysis of the numbers or even what numbers you hold important. Ratings can eat my left buttock for all I care. However, if you look at the meaning behind why your ratings suck, that's where you'll find my wheelhouse. Your ratings are terrible because people who think like me, but who don't really feel obligated to watch for purposes of writing a blog, aren't enticed to watch. These people you're not getting to watch your show really want to believe your slogan, but are turned off by every promo Jeff Jarrett cuts on Kurt Angle mentioning that Jarrett, the administrator, signed Angle for ratings, by every time Bully Ray references "the boys in the back" or out-of-character respect when talking on the mic and every time Sting says he needs to keep his title because it gives him "stroke".

While reality TV is still all the rage, the wrestling fan - and believe me, there are still a ton of them left, whether active or in remission - doesn't really subscribe to the theory that wrestling is the original reality programming. Either they're super young and still subscribe to the theory of kayfabe, sweet, lovable kayfabe, or they're our age and watch for the theater, to forget about real life problems and just watch two (or more) guys pretend to wail on each other and then talk about wailing on each other in between wailing on each other. Dragging in legit, real life problems into the fray counteracts that. I mean, you don't go to a Broadway play to see the star talk shit about her costar for stuff that happens off-script. I'm sure if that happened, you'd have a big stink. But hey, it worked in wrestling in the '90s. Okay. Traditional kayfabe? It's worked in wrestling for almost, if not over, a century. I'll take that track record over the track record of something that fizzled out within 5 years of beginning.

Again, you guys have talent on the roster. They're either bogged down by having to put Bischoff over or they're shunted to once-a-month status because God forbid we don't give Hulk Hogan 4 segments to lumber around and say "brother" like it hasn't already gone out of style. The emphasis is all wrong. If your wrestlers weren't forced to act like ZOMG SHOOTZ all the time, maybe some stories would organically get over. Maybe if the emphasis was taken off authority figures and onto real wrestlers, then wrestling might matter. The formula doesn't work.

I don't have high hopes for Impact the next two weeks. Excepting Austin Aries wrestling tonight, I'm not sure there's going to be a whole lot of must see TV for me. Quite frankly, I'm not really excited for the future after next week either, because the same people are still going to be in charge. But if you wake up, smell the coffee and realize that a change will do you good, maybe the future won't be so bleak. Maybe there'll come a time when I look forward to watching Impact, either first-run or on my DVR.

But that'll only happen if you at least pretend you give a shit about restoring the magic. Please, for my sake, for the sake of fans who want you to succeed... give a shit about restoring the magic.

1 - Strong relative to everything else on TNT at that point, not strong compared to WCW's peak or the numbers the WWF was pulling.

Remember you can contact TH and ask him questions about wrestling, life or anything else. Please refer to this post for contact information. He always takes questions!

Austin Aries Back in Impact Wrestling

A Double - One last gasp in Impact

For those not in the know, Austin Aries used to wrestle in TNA as Austin Starr. Of course, those people not in the know are probably like me, folks who didn't pay much attention to either the indies or to TNA until recently. So suffice to say, I'm guessing a whole bunch of you out there knew that. Okay. Well, that's not the compelling news. What would be compelling? Well, if he went back, that would be pretty newsworthy.

Well, according to several reports, that just happened last night. There was a three-way match at the Impact tapings last night that pitted Aries against Kid Kash and Jimmy Rave, reportedly for a contract with the company. Aries won. Whether that was for a long-term deal or whether it's just through Destination X (since all three guys identify with the X-Division) is unknown at this point. However, I'm not really concerned with the news as much as I am with the implications here.

I always thought that Aries and the now-Impact Wrestling departed on bad terms. Then again, what bridge remains burnt in wrestling? Not many. It's no secret that Aries wants to make money in wrestling. He's at an age where he could either leave the business with his health intact and do something else with his life, cherishing his notoriety in the indies, continue on in the indies and degrade his body for no chance for more financial security or make one final play to get to the WWE or to make bigger money by breaking through in Impact. That's what this move says to me.

Now, whether it'll work or not is a different story. For as many times as the phrase "wrestling matters" is uttered in association with Impact, the actions in the ring don't show it. I mean, the top storyline is still about Sting feuding more with Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan, wanting to keep his title because of "stroke" rather than being the best in the company. With Destination X confirmed as being a X-Division themed event with the six-sided ring coming back one night only and everything, maybe there's a chance things turn around. Maybe they see the positive reaction to the event and start pushing guys like Aries and his brethren more meaningfully. But the former-TNA's track record suggests otherwise. You can't expect a leopard to change its spots until it actually goes through with the process, or else you set yourself up for failure.

Even with the lip service paid though, there's still a chance for A Double. Right now, both challengers for the top two WWE Championships made it in TNA before going back up North. They've taken fliers on Low Ki, Chris Harris, Consequences Creed, Lance Hoyt, Alexis Laree, Gail Kim₁ and other TNA talents to varying degrees of success. If using the month between now and Destination X is the audition that gets Aries by the mythical WWE age ceiling, then it'd be worth it, right?

Even looking at it that way, it might be a long shot. I wouldn't go back to Impact, but then again, I'm not a wrestler. I'm not Aries specifically either. I can't be in his frame of mind because I've never been in his position even in my own field of work. So if this is the way he wants to go, then so be it, it'll be the way he goes. If I get a month of things to actually look forward to on Impact because of it, then yeah, I can dig it. I can't get enough of A Double.

So while I don't have the highest hopes for his long term future, the immediate month will be something to enjoy. Hopefully, this turns out for the best for Austin Aries, because hey, he's one of my favorites, and I always want to see guys I like do well. Just don't expect me to be brimming with optimism about whether that will happen.

Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein - Please visit his site to view the plentiful amounts of pictures he's taken for DGUSA, ROH and other indie feds: Get Lost Photography

1 - I know most of those names flop, but at the same time, Aries is way, way, WAY more charismatic than all those names.

Remember you can contact TH and ask him questions about wrestling, life or anything else. Please refer to this post for contact information. He always takes questions!

The Fans Didn't Ruin a Damn Thing

The Hulk Hogan Facebook/Twitter comment controversy is absurd because he's a guy who owns a company that caters to wrestling fans blasting wrestling fans for not being grateful enough to appreciate his product. This is the kind of delusion we all like to laugh at, even if no one would really pay it any mind if we didn't shine a light on the stupidity. Could I have let it alone on Saturday? Probably, but then again, I just don't like being condescended by a guy that wants me to spend my hard-earned dollar on his shitty, fourth-rate imitation of what wrestling was in 1998 (and unless you count the portion of my cable bill that goes to Spike TV, he's been unsuccessful in that endeavor).

However, what I find fascinating and infuriating is when fans start getting on the self-hatred train, or to be more accurate, when some fans start blaming others for the downfall of wrestling. "The Internet killed wrestling!" they cry, despite the fact that there are as many opinions as to how wrestling should be on the Web as there are grains of sand in the Sahara, and that booking to some nebulous body would be impossible. But let's entertain that notion for a second.

It's true, Vince Russo loved to book to the smarks and to the Internet. Hell, he still does. However, if he's booking to such a small percentage of the audience, then whose fault is that, the niche fans, or the guy who spurns the fans at large FOR the niche fans? That's the reason why people who are in charge are in charge; they have the good judgment to know which people to listen to and which ones to ignore, or at least they should. Shame on Russo for initially plunging WCW into the mire by continually booking to a niche crowd. Shame on WCW for continuing to employ him after his track record kept speaking for him. A million shames on Dixie Carter for continuing to employ him after a decade-long track record of futility.

The biggest fallacy though is believing that the WWE booked to smarks after Russo left. The biggest notch in the case against that argument is the Invasion angle. If so-called smarks booked the Invasion angle, and this is assuming that there's such thing as a nebulous band of fans on the Internet that all share the same brain, then do you think that the WCW faction would have been jobbed out as hard as it was? Do you think DDP would have been made Undertaker's bitch? That Booker T would have had to have played lackey to Steve Austin and Kurt Angle rather than leading the WCW guys himself? Hell no. If the "smarks" had their way, then RAW would have turned to Nitro, Hugh G. Rection would have unified all the titles and Eric Bischoff would have caned Vince McMahon on live television for 82 weeks straight.

It's coincidence that "smarks" liked the small guys before WWE pushed them. If Chris Jericho, Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit didn't get the reactions they got from larger crowds, there's no way the WWE would have pushed them. Jericho, Guerrero and up until the time he murdered his family in cold-blood, Benoit, were all super over with the WWE fans-at-large, and that's why they all got to main event status. Not because the WWE booked to smarks. If that were the case, where was Dean Malenko? Lance Storm? Jerry Lynn?

The fact is that the content-controllers have all the say in what goes on your television. If they try₁ to cater to smarks, it's their problem, not ours. If they put out content that doesn't draw or is low-rated or isn't satisfactory, it is their responsibility. I don't have to watch wrestling. I choose to watch it because I like the artform. I am free to choose what content providers I support with my money, my time and my attention. If I don't like a product, I'm free to do so, and it is not my fault for not liking it. If I choose to criticize a product, it is my protected right by the First Amendment to the United States Constitution to do so, as long as what I say about that product is factual or at the very least is presented as opinion. The former means that any failing of a product is due to the people producing it, not the people consuming. The latter means that I don't have to shut up and keep my voice to myself.

This is what Hogan, Bischoff and a certain sect of sophist fans need to realize. Of course, it's easier to blame anyone but yourself for your own failings if you're delusional and egotistical like Hogan seems to be. And it's fun to play troll if you're on the Internet and you really have nothing better to do. But really, it's a tired act and a tired talking point.

1 - And the key word is try, since it's IMPOSSIBLE to cater to nerds of any branch of entertainment. Case in point, people actually criticized X-Men: First Class this weekend because it didn't have continuity with X3 and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, despite the fact that some of those same people were the ones who loathed those last two movies. This is why we can't have nice things.

Remember you can contact TH and ask him questions about wrestling, life or anything else. Please refer to this post for contact information. He always takes questions!

Hulk Hogan Blames Consumers for the Fall of WCW

From WrestleChat.Net Via Hogan's Facebook

Arrogant and arrogant... er?
Photo Credit: TNAWrestling.com

I rolled my eyes at Eric Bischoff's tweet about the 90% of wrestling fans being drowned out by the mouth 10% about TNA's quality. Yeah, because THAT'S why people don't watch Impact. But yeah, I ignored it because hey, don't feed the trolls. However, his tag team partner in smug arrogance, Hulk Hogan, took to his Facebook with this gem:

But in reality it was a lot of you idiot fans that killed wcw with your lack of appreciation and support for everything we did for you. Funny enough a lot of you morons like TNA too. Go figure.

Brilliant analysis there Hulk. It was the consumers who didn't appreciate what you were producing that killed WCW, not the product becoming so shitty that the demand for it kept going down. Y'know, in any other industry, if a product concept fails, the company admits it and keeps plugging along. Coke didn't blame the public for not liking New Coke; they scrapped the product and gave the public what they wanted. Hogan though? Well, it's not his problem that you didn't like WCW. It has to be ALL OF YOU... actually, ALL OF US, since yeah, I wasn't exactly on the late-WCW train.

But for posterity, and I really don't need to post this, but why not since Hogan feels the need to blame us for WCW's demise, here's a list of more valid reasons than "us ingrates didn't appreciate his high art" as to why WCW failed:

1. The Finger Poke of Doom
2. Egos run amok causing bad booking to ruin hot storylines
3. The submarining of a popular cruiserweight division, to the point where the matches became background noise for Bischoff to overkill the nWo angle, via Tony Schiavone and his announce team partners
4. Vince Russo doing to the dying body of WCW what Kane was accused of doing to Katie Vick in character
5. Stars refusing to put over newer guys for fear that they'd lose their spot, DESPITE THE FACT that Randy Savage put over DDP, made him, and kept his spot in the long run
6. The bungling of Sting after Starrcade in 1997
7. The fact that the WWF had created a hot product while WCW was pissing away its good fortune, thus causing more people to watch their brand of wrestling over WCW's

I really could keep going for a couple of hundred reasons, and I still wouldn't come across "ingrate fans being stubborn". In fact, there's actually no such thing as an ingrate fan because you're a fan based on the product you're given on the TV. I am under no obligation to continue watching a show if I don't like it. Hogan and Bischoff don't understand this. They also don't understand that people who don't mouth off on the Internet (which is their God-given right if they do, by the way) about displeasure over direction are also the ones not watching, not just the vocal ones, whether legit or trollish in nature.

But hey, I guess it's easier to blame us than it is to blame themselves. It just goes to show how fucking clueless both Hogan and Bischoff (and by extension, Russo and Dixie Carter) are about all this.

Remember you can contact TH and ask him questions about wrestling, life or anything else. Please refer to this post for contact information. He always takes questions!

The Impact Wrestling Commercials Offend Me

This segment disproves the notion that wrestling matters at Impact Wrestling
Photo Credit: TNAWrestling.com

If you watched RAW last night, then odds are, you probably saw a commercial for the newly rebranded Impact Wrestling. I'm not sure if it was locally-purchased or whether the folks at TNA grew balls and bought national advertising on USA, but my guess is that no matter what they did, they did it on a wide scale. I can commend that kind of advertising attack, although that's the extent of the praise that I'll deliver for it. I've been trying to find an embeddable video of said commercial as more of a reference for why I hated it, but I can't. For those who didn't see, it was basically Hulk Hogan, AJ Styles and Robert Roode talking about how wrestling mattered and how if they wanted to watch "entertainment", they'd rent a movie.

ON a deeply personal level as a wrestling fan, every second of that commercial offended me to the core. It wasn't because they made slurs or because they did something "insensitive". They insulted my intelligence, really. I mean, I watched Impact both weeks since they rolled out this "wrestling matters" campaign, and judging from what I've seen, it's nothing more than lip service.

I mean, it's one thing to try and brand yourself with a new identity, but that rebranding isn't going to work if the same people are in charge who were part of the prior identity. It's shown throughout the last two weeks. Two shows ago, there was barely any focus on the kind of things that would mark a "wrestling" show rather than an "entertainment" show until Mick Foley made the announcement halfway through. This past week didn't have a different feeling than your garden variety Impact since the Bischoff/Hogan regime took over either. There was still a massive focus on Immortal fighting a battle with a face NPC authority figure. There was still Eric Bischoff getting into ring gear and being an active competitor even though he's not a "wrestler". The angle where Winter is using voodoo magic to control Angelina Love.

And the most galling thing to me? A big segment of the show was surrounded around Robert Roode and Ric Flair acting out a scene that would better fit on a reality TV show about the back workings of a wrestling fed rather than a wrestling angle. Yes, there was a ham-handed attempt at saving towards the end to turn it back into a wrestling angle, but in no way, shape or form should anyone go out there and call out another wrestler for using a wrestling hold to win a wrestling match because of a non-kayfabed injury. I'm sorry. If wrestling mattered, then the backstage stuff wouldn't and shouldn't peer out into the on-camera world.

The opposition to my viewpoint is that I should give them time to change the game. I say feh to that, a feh indeed, because since the Hogan/Bischoff regime took over, they have proven nothing to me that they deserve the benefit of the doubt. As a wrestling fan, I am NOT obligated to give everything a chance to play out. Promoters, bookers, wrestlers, announcers, whatever, they have with me and should have with everyone a limited line of credit when it comes to what they want to sell us, and with each entity, they have a credit score. If NWA Hollywood or Chikara came to me with a questionable gimmick, I'd give them a lot of time for them to win me over. Why? They have good credit scores when it comes to the intellectual capital known as "the benefit of the doubt". The WWE has considerably less capital in that regard, and dragging up the rear is any promotion that Bischoff or Vince Russo has a hand in creative. If they've given me NOTHING to hang my hat on as a fan in the last 18 months (or really, 10 years to be honest), then why should I give this iteration time to develop without criticizing it?

That being said, if they deliver (even a blind squirrel finds a nut), then yeah, I'll praise them. But for now, what they're telling me is so patently offensive that I actually get angry when I see those spots on TV. I don't like being lied to, and I don't like having my intelligence insulted. For Hulk Hogan to tell me wrestling matters when he's the head of a company where they've yet to prove it in the last 2+ years that I've followed it closely is a slap in my face, and it makes me not want to tune in on Thursdays or record it to watch at my leisure.

Remember you can contact TH and ask him questions about wrestling, life or anything else. Please refer to this post for contact information. He always takes questions!