It's Still Real to Kevin Kelly, Dammit

Not the best in the world, according to a hermy
Photo Credit: WWE.com

It seems like Kevin Kelly's new gimmick is saying and writing dumb shit. A month or so after attempting to go America all over everyone's asses and failing, the man dubbed by The Rock as a hermaphrodite did an interview with Right After Wrestling, with excerpts transcribed by Lords of Pain, where he had some gems to drop on our ignorant asses.

I love CM Punk. I never met him personally, but when I meet him I will shake his hand and tell him how much I appreciate his talents.

Okay.

But Punk wears a shirt on TV saying he's 'the best in the World'. Well he's not the best in the world until he defeats Davey Richards.

*spit take*

HAHA, that's fucking rich.

Davey Richards is the best wrestler in the World hands down!

Wait, is this a podcast transcript with a well-respected former WWE referee/agent, or is this the ravings of the ROH message board n00bs that @typicalROHfan makes fun of all the time?

You could put the Miz at #1 in the PWI 500

PWI 500? I think I give him too much credit for being savvy enough to post on ROH's message board.

...and then burn that magazine for printing that.

"A kayfabe publication doesn't rank our guy who didn't even win the Championship until after the cut off date for a list that even its target audience doesn't take seriously over someone who held the biggest title in the largest wrestling company for four and a half months? BURN IT! BURN IT!"

Davey Richards is the best in the World and I defy anybody to argue with me on that.

A small sampling of people I would argue are better workers than Davey Richards:

El Generico
Austin Aries
Dasher Hatfield
Robert Evans
Bully Ray
Sheamus
Mark Henry
Santino Marella

I could keep going, but I don't want to seem too pedantic.

Watch the match with Eddie Edwards. It was a 36-minute perfect match. Not one flaw.

I'm going to refrain from commenting since I didn't see it, but if it was anything like some of his other singles matches I've seen, then it's very hard for me to believe that there are zero flaws in that match. Unless you wanna use the whole "Don Larsen pitched a perfect game in the World Series despite not being that spectacular in the rest of his career" argument. I still would find it hard to believe, especially since what a perfect match is to me probably isn't the same as what it is to Kelly, or to really anyone else.

He trained for 4-weeks for that match - like a fighter.



He's revolutionizing the business right before our very eyes.

Oh man, if he's revolutionizing the business, then I'd hate to be a fan in 10 years when he's noted as the most influential wrestler around then.

But back to the whole "best in the world" argument, even if you tried framing it as an honest discussion, not as one just to try and pump yourself and your top star up at the hot ticket's expense, it doesn't work here. Wrestling is not some kind of sport (which makes Kelly's whole point about Richards training for a match for four weeks asinine... seriously, who stops training when they're a pro wrestler?), it's a hybrid artform that combines sport with theater and blends in so many different areas of entertainment that to distill it down into just wrestling ability is such a cop out. Plus, I firmly believe that if CM Punk doesn't hold this nebulous "best in the world" title, he's at least on the shortlist of guys who could hold it. He's a damn fine worker.

But because it's not just wrestling that defines you as best, you have to look at other things, like promos. And in that department, Richards is woefully behind Punk. But hey, I guess Kelly got his wish. He got me to take the bait and reply to him, as well as others to get talking. So in a way, he wins.

That still doesn't mean he's not delusional and shortsighted.

My Favorite Wrestlers Ever: #3

Photo Credit: WWE.com

The Rock
Three Favorite Matches: vs. Steve Austin at WrestleMania X-7, vs. Chris Jericho at Survivor Series Vengeance 2001, vs. Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania X-8
Three Favorite Moments: Verbally sparring with Chris Jericho upon the latter's debut, This Is Your Life with Mick Foley, The promo post Royal Rumble 2000 where he mocked Big Show for the first time

The Rock spent an entire career proving people wrong. People thought he couldn't succeed after tanking as the "blue chipper". They were wrong. People said he couldn't wrestle. By 2000, he'd improved to the point where he was arguably the best worker in the company. People thought he'd never be a movie star. Well, to our chagrin, he became one. People never thought he'd come back. Well, he did. Sure, his definition of "never leaving" again may be different than some fans', but for me, I don't care if he appears once a year or once a show.

I've always been entranced by Rocky though, so maybe I'm biased. No shit I'm biased, but if being a fan of the most naturally charismatic man ever to step into a wrestling ring is wrong, then I don't ever wanna be right. Seriously, I always wondered back in the day when I'd go into those AOL chat rooms (I was in high school/college, shut up) and people would be bashing Rocky and pumping up guys like, ugh, Triple H. I mean, what, don't you like witty guys who say funny shit? Oh that's right, he couldn't "work" because he only did like three moves. Wrestling hipsterdom, smh. And I bet half of those people who hated on Rock were excited as shit to see him back this year. Maybe more or less, I don't know.

But what I do know is that the guy was seriously, and still is actually, a dynamo with a microphone in his hand. We already knew that though. That's like watching Aaron Rodgers play football and remark that he's really good at throwing the ball. Well no shit. What really sealed the deal for me was his mastery at actually wrestling. There was a time when he was middle of the pack at best, although his "terribleness" at wrestling was vastly overstated by smark-ass teenagers who think that throwing moves is the only way to have a good match. Go back and look at some of his classic matches against Steve Austin or Triple H or Mick Foley or later on, when he really came into his own against guys like Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar. He held his own end of the bargain easily.

I think the fact that he was so easily imitable for me, and yet hard to imitate at the same time, made him one of my favorites. It's paradoxical to say something like that. I guess what I mean to say is that I always liked trying to imitate Rocky, but I could never really get him down right. I guess that's his allure... we all wanted to be like him, but there is only one Great One, only one Rock.

And I for one can't wait to see him back in a WWE ring, April 1, 2012.

Mark Madden Misses the Point

Photo Credit: Pittsburgh Post-Gazette Site

Oooh look, mommy! FJM material! AND IT'S WRESTLING RELATED TOO! Mark Madden comes with the unbridled negativity towards CM Punk's return last night. I shall skewer him here. Why? BECAUSE I CAN BITCHES.


When Brian Pillman did his worked shoot in 1996, it lasted MONTHS. Pillman bounced from WCW to ECW to WWE, legitimately double-crossing WCW. Eric Bischoff had fired Pillman assuming he’d come back. He didn’t.

When Brian Pillman did his worked shoot in 1996, there were two major wrestling companies and a cutting-edge indie that hadn't become a national force by itself yet. It's 2011. WWE is the only game in town. Impact is a wannabe promotion and ROH isn't even close to Impact yet.

But by all means, continue.

C.M. Punk left WWE for two weeks.

So, what was the point?

To get Vince McMahon fired and to get himself more leverage on his contract situation. Oh, and because he can. Try to keep up.

Oh, Punk and Cena had a cute staredown at the end of Raw. But Punk has clearly been reestablished as just another WWE guy.

Because everyone in WWE has their own Spinner Belt that they won because they beat John Cena clean in a PPV main event.

The absence of Punk’s title didn’t make WWE sweat, not even for two weeks. They just crowned another champ, then passed the belt right back to John Cena. Now Punk and Cena have a UFC-style real champ vs. interim champ unification match at SummerSlam. Cena wins, then heads for WrestleMania and The Rock.

Hey guys, who leaked Mark Madden the script?

I'd also say that the fact that VINCE MCMAHON WAS FIRED THE WEEK BEFORE AS A DIRECT RESULT OF CM PUNK WINNING AT MONEY IN THE BANK was WWE sweating. But hey, what do I know, I never worked for a failing wrestling company in the broadcast booth!

Punk? Maybe he turns babyface and becomes the new Steve Austin, the anti-authoritarian.

Because that's such a bad thing.

Or maybe he drops back down to the mid-card.

Yeah, because a guy who gets the WWE this much media attention is going to drop like a stone. At least wait until the MitB buyrates come in before you start peddling such doom 'n gloom.

But how does Punk remain anti-authoritarian? Vince McMahon is gone, and the doofus son-in-law fixed a lot of the crap Punk bitched about.

Uh, there was that whole thing where they both insinuated that they slept with each other's significant others. Oh, and Punk could remain anti-authoritarian by just rejecting what Trips has "fixed". Or you could grow an imagination or wait and see what's next.

I hope Punk came back for the money, because I’m praying he wasn’t stupid enough to fall for the promises.

Q: What will you do if wwe misuses you like they did with guys like shannon moore [sic] and so on?

A: I'll go out and purchase a hummer and buy a nice house, just like he did.

But I have my fears.

OH NOES! CM Punk is going to make gobs of money to not be featured the way I, Mark Madden, Internet slob, want him to be featured! I AM OUTRAGED!!

Smarter people than Punk have been set up, blinded to some degree by their own brilliance (and BS).

This doesn't even fucking make any sense.

If Raw’s rating drops, who gets blamed? Not Triple H. Original plans called for Trips to pedigree Punk. Why? Because Triple H is a REAL star. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.

RAW's rating was 2.9 the week before Money in the Bank. It was 3.2 the night after. Sounds like an increase. I'll be shocked if it's not increased or at the same level again at least, despite the fact that Punk wasn't even advertised for the show.

Also, lol @ looking at ratings as a success point in 2011.

Nobody ever wants to let an angle marinate. Just hot-shot for TV. Hot-shot for the pay-per-view.

I'd say that the fact that the angle on the whole has been going on for a month now makes me believe that they've set up for SummerSlam nicely.

Punk should have been gone for MONTHS.

Because that's how you capitalize on a guy being made into a star in a month's time. YOU LEAVE HIM OFF THE SHOW FOR MONTHS AFTERWARDS! Then, when he comes back, he'll certainly get the same pops as the guys who were left to carry on in his place, especially Triple H, a guy he decried as being the egomaniac a paragraph prior.

The title should have been gone for MONTHS. The belt would have gained credibility by its absence. Instead, it’s just another prop.

I'm sorry, but how is not being defended, or worse, being replaced by a paper Championship in the interim, going to give the title credibility? If anything, it would have submarined the guy holding the belt in the interim because he wouldn't have beaten the guy who waltzed out of the company with it.

Memo to bookers: You BUILD ratings. You don't SEIZE ratings.

Memo to Mark Madden: You were never part of any successful wrestling company. People in WWE right now have been.

Fire Vince? The WWE board should have fired EVERYBODY.

I wonder if Mark Madden and Darren Rovell are BFFs.

P.S. – Gee, I really enjoy the new comments section on these columns.

Maybe you shouldn't write utter tripe then.

TWIOT: Eulogy for Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell

Pictured here: An honorable man
Photo Credit: Boomtron.com

Lord Eddard Stark, better known as Ned by those close to him, died ignominiously eleven days ago, on the episode entitled "Baelor" on HBO's landmark series Game of Thrones. The Lord of Winterfell and the former Hand of the King to Robert Baratheon, the late ruler of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, was beloved in his home region of the North, but disliked and even held in contempt by those who didn't like what he represented. But what did Lord Stark represent? It was more than just his snow-covered, windswept landscape to the North, dangerously close to The Wall and the White Walkers that now threaten Westeros. It was more than his sigil, the Direwolf, or the family he raised. It was more than his friendship with King Robert, and his servitude to the realm.

More than anything, he represented honor, but in death, more specifically, HIS death represented the death of honor.

One of the knocks against Stark was that he wasn't a very bright man. This much is true. He passed up several opportunities to broker peace deals that could have kept him alive and away from The Wall. He followed the exact same steps that his predecessor as Hand, Jon Arryn, did knowing full well that the investigation he was undergoing got Arryn killed by the scheming Lannister family. There were only two explanations for why Stark would continue to prod at the burgeoning conspiracy unfolding behind closed doors like an adolescent boy throwing rocks at an angry beehive. Either he was stupid, or he had a cognitive dissonance about what was going on, and went by the book because that's the way things should have been done.

Since this is a eulogy, I come not to knock the man, but to argue that it was more the latter than the former. I believe Lord Eddard knew that his course of action was the right thing to do, even if in his heart of hearts, he knew it was going to get him killed. In a sense of stubbornness, duty or conscience, he pressed on anyway, thinking he could change the world by being a good man. Sadly, the world was changing, only in a far more dark and twisted way than what Stark could ever have thought of.

The world was becoming an unkind place for those who wished to uphold tradition, respect and decorum. Arryn died because he dared question whether the blond-haired, blue-eyed Joffrey was really the son of Robert, despite the fact that every other child sired by the fat king out of his wedlock to Queen Cersei of House Lannister had black hair and brown eyes, and as a result, put into doubt whether he was the true heir to the Iron Throne. When Khal Drogo dared listen to the Moon of His Life and spared the life of conquered healer, he was repaid by being turned into the first recorded vegetable in the history of the Vaes Dothrak by that very same healer. In what has become a microcosm of the whole series to date, Bronn dispatched Lord Vardis in the stead of Tyrion Lannister in his trial by combat and didn't exactly fight honorably. Lady Lysa Arryn levied the claim that exact claim, to which Tyrion deadpanned, pointing to the hole out of which Bronn threw his defeated foe, "No, but he did."

So, in a world where dishonor and lawlessness seem to be rewarded, the swordblow that separated Ned Stark's head from the rest of his body was the final, stunning blow to the idea that honor alone can be used as a compass for navigating life in the Seven Kingdoms (and beyond). Now, the world is thrown into chaos, with the Lannisters fighting a war on three fronts against three unique enemies with different goals, two of which want the crown that Tywin's grandson wears on his adolescent and merciless head. A fourth force, one powered by dragons and Dothraki savagery, looms across the Narrow Sea.

Which force will win though? It won't be the noblest one, I'll tell you that. It'll be the one that fights with the greatest strength, the greatest cunning or the best strategy. That isn't to say that honor is something to be scoffed at. No, quite contrarily, Ned Stark should be held up as a martyr, an ideal even, for what all men should strive to be like, but not too much like. The lesson here is that Stark's honor should be commended, but in his final moments, he showed something more valuable than he did in his life of servitude, honestly and valor. He showed some cunning. He made a deal with the Mad King Joffrey to admit treason he didn't commit in order to save his daughters' lives. No one can question whether saving the lives of his kin is noble or not. However, his gambit, which was squelched because of Joffrey's dishonesty, a trait that even surprised his deceitful mother Cersei, not because it wasn't an attempt to play the game.

That's the lesson that Stark's death teaches. You don't wait until it's too late to make bold choices, even if they're dishonorable. Sometimes, you need to take the rap for a crime you didn't commit, or tell lies or break oaths for the greater good. His death, though outrageous to several fans of the show who grew attached to him, was necessary to further the theme of the overall story.

That being said, it's still a sad death, and one that should be lamented. Ned Stark died as he lived, not as a moron like I had previously stated on Twitter, but as a stubbornly honorable man, noble to a fault and a man who only started to learn his lesson when it was too late. If there's any justice in that fictional world, he shall be avenged, either by his son Robb sodomizing Joffrey with his sword, his bastard Jon Snow sodomizing the King with his sword or, my personal hope, in the belly of one of Danerys Targaryen's dragons.

However, that doesn't change the fact that he didn't need to die, which I think is the most important real life lesson that could be learned from a fictional death. Sometimes, honor just isn't enough.

Remember you can contact TH and ask him questions about wrestling, life or anything else. Please refer to this post for contact information. He always takes questions!

The Fans Didn't Ruin a Damn Thing

The Hulk Hogan Facebook/Twitter comment controversy is absurd because he's a guy who owns a company that caters to wrestling fans blasting wrestling fans for not being grateful enough to appreciate his product. This is the kind of delusion we all like to laugh at, even if no one would really pay it any mind if we didn't shine a light on the stupidity. Could I have let it alone on Saturday? Probably, but then again, I just don't like being condescended by a guy that wants me to spend my hard-earned dollar on his shitty, fourth-rate imitation of what wrestling was in 1998 (and unless you count the portion of my cable bill that goes to Spike TV, he's been unsuccessful in that endeavor).

However, what I find fascinating and infuriating is when fans start getting on the self-hatred train, or to be more accurate, when some fans start blaming others for the downfall of wrestling. "The Internet killed wrestling!" they cry, despite the fact that there are as many opinions as to how wrestling should be on the Web as there are grains of sand in the Sahara, and that booking to some nebulous body would be impossible. But let's entertain that notion for a second.

It's true, Vince Russo loved to book to the smarks and to the Internet. Hell, he still does. However, if he's booking to such a small percentage of the audience, then whose fault is that, the niche fans, or the guy who spurns the fans at large FOR the niche fans? That's the reason why people who are in charge are in charge; they have the good judgment to know which people to listen to and which ones to ignore, or at least they should. Shame on Russo for initially plunging WCW into the mire by continually booking to a niche crowd. Shame on WCW for continuing to employ him after his track record kept speaking for him. A million shames on Dixie Carter for continuing to employ him after a decade-long track record of futility.

The biggest fallacy though is believing that the WWE booked to smarks after Russo left. The biggest notch in the case against that argument is the Invasion angle. If so-called smarks booked the Invasion angle, and this is assuming that there's such thing as a nebulous band of fans on the Internet that all share the same brain, then do you think that the WCW faction would have been jobbed out as hard as it was? Do you think DDP would have been made Undertaker's bitch? That Booker T would have had to have played lackey to Steve Austin and Kurt Angle rather than leading the WCW guys himself? Hell no. If the "smarks" had their way, then RAW would have turned to Nitro, Hugh G. Rection would have unified all the titles and Eric Bischoff would have caned Vince McMahon on live television for 82 weeks straight.

It's coincidence that "smarks" liked the small guys before WWE pushed them. If Chris Jericho, Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit didn't get the reactions they got from larger crowds, there's no way the WWE would have pushed them. Jericho, Guerrero and up until the time he murdered his family in cold-blood, Benoit, were all super over with the WWE fans-at-large, and that's why they all got to main event status. Not because the WWE booked to smarks. If that were the case, where was Dean Malenko? Lance Storm? Jerry Lynn?

The fact is that the content-controllers have all the say in what goes on your television. If they try₁ to cater to smarks, it's their problem, not ours. If they put out content that doesn't draw or is low-rated or isn't satisfactory, it is their responsibility. I don't have to watch wrestling. I choose to watch it because I like the artform. I am free to choose what content providers I support with my money, my time and my attention. If I don't like a product, I'm free to do so, and it is not my fault for not liking it. If I choose to criticize a product, it is my protected right by the First Amendment to the United States Constitution to do so, as long as what I say about that product is factual or at the very least is presented as opinion. The former means that any failing of a product is due to the people producing it, not the people consuming. The latter means that I don't have to shut up and keep my voice to myself.

This is what Hogan, Bischoff and a certain sect of sophist fans need to realize. Of course, it's easier to blame anyone but yourself for your own failings if you're delusional and egotistical like Hogan seems to be. And it's fun to play troll if you're on the Internet and you really have nothing better to do. But really, it's a tired act and a tired talking point.

1 - And the key word is try, since it's IMPOSSIBLE to cater to nerds of any branch of entertainment. Case in point, people actually criticized X-Men: First Class this weekend because it didn't have continuity with X3 and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, despite the fact that some of those same people were the ones who loathed those last two movies. This is why we can't have nice things.

Remember you can contact TH and ask him questions about wrestling, life or anything else. Please refer to this post for contact information. He always takes questions!