The Rock Gets Meme Treatment

Via Julia Segel/Skull Swap

I swear to God, I'll actually blog some coherent thoughts instead of Youtubes, pictures and links. But this was too damn good not to post.

SummerSlam: Where Are the Matches?

The wisdom of the Philosoraptor applies to SummerSlam

SummerSlam is a scant four days away. WWE usually has anywhere between seven and ten matches for its pay-per-view events. Naturally, you'd think that they would have announced at least six of them by now, right, if not more? Yeah, about that. The SummerSlam microsite only has four matches announced. Granted, one of them is maybe the most important match in WWE this year in terms of shaping the future of the company, but at the same time, just as man cannot live on bread alone, I'm not sure you can entice people to order a PPV based on one hot main event alone. Even more glaringly, the other matches announced are Randy Orton vs. Christian, Sheamus vs. Mark Henry and Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly. The matches are listed in descending order of how much pizzazz they have in terms of getting folks who aren't raging wrestling dorks like myself to order. Which is to say, my guess is the amount of people who will order this based solely on the fact that Beth Phoenix is booked against Kelly Kelly wouldn't outnumber the people who voted for Mickey Mouse in the last Presidential election.

What's even more fascinating is the number of names that aren't booked for the card yet. Alberto del Rio, The Miz, Rey Mysterio, John Morrison, R-Truth, Wade Barrett, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler, all to name a few, all are guys who could get people to buy, and yet, here we are with four days left, and none of them have announced matches. Furthermore, two matches that were suspected for the event were settled pretty definitively on RAW for varying reasons. Truth defeated Morrison clean as a whistle for unknown reasons, and Mysterio/Miz was probably postponed from the card because of ReyRey's knee tweak from this past weekend. Regardless, even if three of those four competitors make the card, there's a missed opportunity for getting people invested in what's going on during that three hour broadcast.

Contrary to popular belief, people rarely plunk down substantial money to see people appear at places with no defined role. Yeah, WrestleMania's big selling point was that The Rock was going to host, but I think we can agree that promising the biggest star from the last 10 years to appear after a seven year hiatus is way, way, way different a circumstance than promising that The Miz is going to be there when he's been around almost constantly for the last five years.

People want a reason to pay WWE money. The way you do that is through wrestling matches, not by promising appearances. There's a reason why the WWF had its biggest ratings offset from its biggest number of PPV buys by a couple of years. In 1998, they were all about guys just doing stuff, showing up and being unpredictable. That lends itself to TV because it's free, and you can easily change the channel from RAW for one ZOMG SHOCKING MOMENT to Jersey Shore for another without any real emotional investment. But the real fans? They're there because of the wrestling. In 2000, the WWF built towards wrestling matches through real feuds and the promise that one guy was going to kick the crap out of the other guy for what he did on television.

I won't sit here and get into a lecture on economics and say which model is better, because having a mix of both is a good thing. That being said, to use the Jersey Shore analogy, do you think that show would be nearly as successful if MTV made it a monthly PPV series and charged $60 a pop for it? If you say yes, then you greatly overestimate the public's supply and demand curve for shock television. When it's the cost of your cable bill, demand is high. When you have to pay a half-day's salary after taxes to watch it, demand is low.

Now, I could be wrong. Maybe the number of people ordering for Punk/Cena f/ Trips is going to be a rousing success. Maybe the number of people who order just because it's SummerSlam will be a big number. But I still would rather see my PPV events become places where the smorgasbord of wrestling is advertised beforehand so I know what I'm getting into and what I can look forward to.

That is, unless this is it, and we're getting four matches that'll all be 40+ minutes, which is tantalizing in its own way for two of them, iffy for one, and totally, mind-blowingly horrific for the Divas affair, unless at the last minute Kelly Kelly is subbed out for Nattie Neidhart, Sara del Rey or Kana. Then, 40 minutes would be a good goal, yeah?

Ric Flair Becomes a Meme

Photo found by Obinna Onwuka

God bless you, Internet.

And if you don't know what this refers to? Then where the hell have you been for the last year? Anyway, you've been forewarned.

TWIOT: Harry Potter and the Eight Movies of Quality

This picture doesn't really have anything to do with the article. But it's Emma Watson doing the troll face. C'mon, that's awesome

The Harry Potter film franchise is over. After eight films, legions of fans being minted, tantalized and now satisfied and a boatload of money produced, the epic series finally wrapped up when Deathly Hallows: Part 2 was released a couple of weeks ago. I didn't see the landmark movie until a week after it was released, but when I finally saw it with my wife, sister-in-law and her fiancé, it was worth the wait, both from the end of last fall's Deathly Hallows: Part 1 and the week between release and my viewing.

This isn't going to be a review of Part 2, rather than a retrospective on the series. It's very hard to keep a strong narrative going over three films/books, let alone eight films and seven books. The thing is, it could very easily have been 10+ movies, given that they were considering splitting Goblet of Fire in two and, according to my wife who read the books, had enough material in Order of the Phoenix and The Half-Blood Prince to make each serial into two or even three movies apiece. Just ask George Lucas, who succeeded with his first Star Wars trilogy, but by many people's reckoning, absolutely failed with the second one. Or you could ask the Wachowski brothers, who followed up The Matrix with two underwhelming at best sequels. Or Sam Raimi, whose first two Spider-man movies were great, but who ultimately faltered with the third installment. That the Potter team, a collective of several different directors under the unchanging narrative written by JK Rowling, told an absolutely breathtaking story with very few moments of falter deserves praise.

Still, its greatest achievement is probably how it appeals to a broad spectrum of ages. Even the first two movies, which people will say are total kids' fare, have some very dark moments, and after it becomes "dark", it still has an appeal to kids, albeit ones that are older. The themes are more mature than what you'd find in your typical Dreamworks computer animated film. They deal with death, betrayal, orphaning, deception, war, murder, trust, politics, educational reform, and yet each film is cleverly set with wizards, mythical creatures and exaggerated characters who typify good and evil cleanly enough so that they can be digested by kids, who may not be ready for a full palate of grays on the canvas.

But while the characters retain a simple identity for the most part (with some exceptions, like Severus Snape, maybe the best character in the entire series – a good guy whose gruff exterior keeps you asking questions until the final exposition of his intents after he dies in DH Pt. 2), they're still fully developed and wonderfully acted, serving almost as archetypes in some cases. For example, Dolores Umbridge, the hawkish, almost fascist member of the Ministry of Magic, serves as the most evil character in any series. Her prissy, old-fashionedly feminine exterior belies her sinister intentions, toadying for the Minister's ignorance regarding the return of Voldemort and then using Draconian measures of punishment at Hogwarts on students whose only crime is satisfying their child-like curiosity. Her slow transformation of the school into a police state was the absolute best part of Order of the Phoenix, and one of the most effective displays of villainy short of portraying someone like Mobuto Sese Seko or Pol Pot in film.

Then there's Neville Longbottom, who throughout the series, is the prime example of all that is good in the world. From when we first see him in The Sorcerer's Stone until his final triumph in the last film, he is always fighting for what's right, even if he's not very good at executing his intentions at first. However, the way that he is portrayed, you can't help but root for the kid, making his triumph over Voldemort and his aiding of Harry in his final fight almost as satisfying – if not more so – than Harry's resolutions.

That's where Rowling and by proxy the filmmakers who were tasked with animating her fictional characters succeeded. From the ideation of the characters through casting to their final ends, whenever they may have been, each character was real, lifelike, even though they existed entirely in a fantasy world. From the bit players like Prof. Trelawny, through to the supporting characters like Bellatrix LeStrange and Sirius Black all the way to the main core, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Dumbledore, Snape, Voldemort and Hagrid, they all felt so real.

And that's why I can't begrudge the hardcore fans for being so sad that this is over. Having felt the same pangs over the end of LOST last year, I can empathize. Although the Potter series didn't strike the same chord of fanaticism in me that LOST or that pro wrestling still does, that doesn't mean I can't recognize it for how well-done and rewarding the entire series has been. I too feel like there's going to be a void in theaters now that Potter is finished. It's not like it's the only series that has legs, but it's definitely a series that I could wholeheartedly count on to deliver on a great film watching experience.

So with that, I bid a fond adieu to Harry Potter and his friends, enemies and acquaintances. It's been a great ride, and everyone involved should be proud of themselves.

U Mad, John Cena?

Photo Found Courtesy of Butch Rosser

I love you, Internet. Never change. Never, ever change.

Weekend Wrap-Up: RIP Ryze

WWWYKI
Screen Grab Credit: LongIslandIceZ Youtube Page

Not really a whole lot to report for wrestling this weekend. No PPVs, no indie shows that I can really find that would be of interest to you guys, I think. So, here's what I've got:

- Ryze Woo, a Florida indie worker whose real name was Justin Honeycutt, died in a freak accident over the weekend. He was working at his day job, at an amusement park in Orlando, working 90 feet in the air and fell six feet, hanging by his safety harnesses. Usually those things should be able to save your life by absorbing the shock of falling. I'm not sure what the issue was, but regardless, a young man is dead, which is terrible. My sincerest condolences go out to his family, friends and colleagues.

- Zack Ryder was announced as the WWE Internet Champion and successfully defended his title against Primo at a house show in Melbourne. I honestly don't know if this is a house show rib or whether it's a test run for the big shows, but hey, at least they're doing something for him with a live crowd.

- Today is International Talk Like Randy Savage Day. It was created by Trey Irby of Wrestling Theory and Bill Baconhill, and it's gained a lot of steam. Now, why have it on Independence Day? Well, Savage is an American hero. DIG IT. Anyway, you can participate by talking like Macho. If you want to film yourself doing it, then put it on Youtube or post it directly on the event's wall. OOOH YEAH.

Batista Wants to Walk for Miles Inside a Pit of Danger at Least One More Time

Via the Camel Clutch Blog via a Wrestling Observer audio interview

As Professor Farnsworth from Futurama says, "Good news, everybody!" Dave Batista has made known his intentions to return to WWE for one more run. Desire on his end is very much good news, since you can probably figure that the WWE would take him back in a heartbeat if it meant selling a few extra PPVs. Big Dave said he wants one more run and a retirement match to go out properly, and given the way he performed on his way out, as well as his run in the dissolution of Evolution, I'm not alone in saying those are words to our ears.

As referenced by the above picture, Batista has become somewhat of a popular Internet meme amongst wrestling fans. So even if his return is a dud in the ring, at least we'll get plenty more .gif material out of it. But I have high hopes, especially if he comes back and the first word he says is "SPOTLIGHT!"

Remember you can contact TH and ask him questions about wrestling, life or anything else. Please refer to this post for contact information. He always takes questions!

And Now, Angry Internet Meme Guy Asks WWE Creative a Question

Seriously, did ANYONE find any kind of sense in that decision by the anonymous RAW general manager? Do these writers have editors? Is Vince McMahon legit insane? Ugh.

Remember you can contact TH and ask him questions about wrestling, life or anything else. Please refer to this post for contact information. He always takes questions!