TWIOT: Adventures in Grilling

Me and the finished product
Photo Credit: Amanda Holzerman

In lieu of writing about college football - plenty of other bloggers are doing that well enough right now - I figure I'll mark the end of the summer with grilling, one of the best things to do during the summer. Then again, some people leave the grills active year long. I can dig that. Anyway, today, I will take you through a journey of grilling a piece of meat for dinner tonight. Hope you enjoy the grill porn!

Here's the piece of meat in question, in its raw state. It is a piece of London broil. Not the "finest" cut of meat, but definitely a quality cut in a pinch.

Photo Credit: ME!

Gotta put fork marks in it so the marinade takes.

Photo Credit: ME!

What is this marinade I'm speaking of? Well, pictured here in its deconstructed form from the left to right, cumin, olive oil, sriracha sauce, soy sauce, Fish Eye cabernet sauvignon, paprika and onion powder. Red wine is quite handy as a beef marinade component. Only makes sense, because it usually pairs with dead cow.

Photo Credit: ME!

In the bag for a couple of hours!

Photo Credit: ME!

There she is, my grill. She's served me well this summer.

Photo Credit: ME!

Just putting it on the grill.

Photo Credit: ME!

Look at the grill marks beginning to form!

Photo Credit: ME!

Here it is. Yes, it looks a bit well-done (it was medium-well), BUT I have a good excuse. My wife is pregnant and medium-well is about as rare as she can have it. Thus it's about as mooing as much as it can safely be.

Photo Credit: ME!

Yes, beef pairs well with red wine, but you know what I paired it with? Iron Hill Quadrupel. Iron Hill is a local Philly brewery that brews all kinds of craft beers, including Zoo with Roy's So Cuttered Hoppy Wheat. Again, ZWR is living the dream, friends.

Photo Credit: ME!

This is a beer faux pas, I know, but I wanted to use my German stein, dammit!

Photo Credit: Amanda Holzerman

So, there's my photo blog detailing dinner. If it makes you hungry, then I've done my job!

TWIOT: Joey Vento and Learning to Accept Humanity

Vento: Xenophobe or philanthropist? How 'bout both?
Photo Credit: ABC.com

Joey Vento, the founder and owner of Geno's Cheesesteaks in Philadelphia, died Tuesday night of a massive heart attack. Over the past two days, I've seen two types of obituary for him. One eulogized him, focusing on his impact in the development of the cheesesteak as a cultural icon of Philly or his generous donations to charity. The other denigrated his contributions to the cheesesteak, calling his product mediocre and fast food and gravitating towards his overt xenophobia, building the straw man of people going to his stand and trying to order in another language other than English to hide his obvious disdain towards Mexican and Vietnamese immigrants taking over the Italian Market. In death, much like in life, Vento polarizes.

That being said, which extreme the valid one? Thing is, they're both valid. The cheesesteak, like any other thing that is created for people to consume for their enjoyment or sustenance, is a highly subjective thing to judge. Even taking that out of the equation, it's a stone cold fact that he donated millions of dollars to several charities over the years. It's also a fact that he made people feel uncomfortable based solely on their ethnic background, whether they were native citizens of this country or whether they had come here from a different country, looking to make a start for themselves, much like Vento's ancestors did when they came over here from Italy. So, to reiterate, which extreme is the valid one? Was Vento a humanitarian or a racist? The answer is neither.

Joey Vento, like you, or I, or anyone else for the most part, was a human being.

Our vast array of imperfections make us all varying pastiches of virtues and foibles, scant few among us complete saints and maybe a few more but still not a whole lot among us as vile bastards. Some of our shortcomings can be unforgivable. I mean, you don't pump up Father O'Malley's priest work when the reason he ostensibly joined the cloth was to fuck little boys with near-impunity. That begs the question though, how much of his ignorance is wiped out by his charity? Or conversely, how much of his charity is wiped away by his ignorance?

To wit, Vento's act never really manifested itself in refusing anyone service on the basis of their linguistic skills. Again, it was more a straw man reaction to the "denigration" of his old neighborhood (which of course was built upon "denigration" of old WASP neighborhoods when the Italians settled there). Also, among the charities he donated to was Elton John's organization to help out AIDS victims in Africa, so it's not like he acted on any racism he may have held.

Then again, what's the price to buy out your conscience when you're so blatantly polarizing to a group of human beings who just want to make better lives for themselves? I mean, let's ignore the fact that it's bad business to turn people away because their English isn't as good as yours (and let's face it, if Vento was like the stereotypical South Philly Italian, his English isn't exactly up to the same standards as the Queen's either). It's hard enough to learn a new language in a new country if you're an adult to begin with. To have the extra social stigma attached to it by people who don't know where they came from makes the situation even worse. To exclude someone that you don't even know because they're different from you is pretty fucked up if you ask me.

The thing is though, neither of the questions above can be answered quantitatively and objectively. Everyone is going to have their own answers. Everyone is going to come to their own conclusions. This isn't Adolf Hitler who just died, nor was it Mahatma Gandhi. It was a flawed guy who did some good things, and hey, he made cheesesteaks too. (Mediocre-to-bad ones in my opinion, but that's neither here nor there)

I guess I mean to say that I don't agree with the sniping back and forth, but I do understand it. I mean, people have a nature to be combative, I think. Vento personified that with his "This is America, speak English" signs he posted all over his steak shop. Both reactions are valid. He's a guy who did some shitty things, but he did some really good things too. Maybe the best way to mourn him would be to accept that we're all fucked up in our own ways, and the best we can do is try harder to be better people. Accept that humanity, because really, it's what we really are, not paradigms of good or evil, but human beings.

TWIOT: SECession Needs Help

Yesterday, I linked to a pretty meaty idea by Dan Shanoff (written in his totally-opposite-of-meaty style) where he advocated that the SEC should bloat to 16 teams, break off from the BCS and have its own playoff tournament to crown a Champion. If you didn't catch the vibe from my blurb linking it, I totally love the idea. Destroying the BCS isn't going to come to fruition through the NCAA, it has to come from external sources. The SEC is the only conference that has the power and the cache to start a revolution such as this, although in theory, the system benefits them the most. They almost always send a team to the title game and a secondary team to an ancillary BCS bowl. Then again, a playoff system of three or even seven games where 3-8 teams from the conference play extra games and generate extra revenue would be too juicy to pass up.

But I'm not really here to write about the economics of the situation. After all, my view on college football fiduciaries is that the schools make too much money off the student-athletes for them to have such a restraint on what they can do to make some pocket cash for themselves even if they are getting a pretty sweet deal in the process. I mean, free college education for playing a game? Score. I'll leave it at that, because that's for a whole different post altogether, one that requires more nuance and seriousness than I'm willing to go for here.

Rather, I want to look more into this radical idea of SECession. Specifically, can it work if it's just the SEC pulling out? I want to say yes, because again, the SEC is such a burgeoning powerhouse of college football, and at least 10 out of their 12 fanbases are all cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs about their programs (Vanderbilt is the token academic school/doormat and Kentucky is the outlier that lives for basketball season). However, I can almost see an SEC-less NCAA/BCS structure, even if they do import Texas A&M, Missouri, Clemson, West Virginia or whatever other schools are rumored to go there, as a microcosmic alternate universe where the South won the Civil War and stubbornly exist as their own entity, even after eventually giving up things like slavery and agrarian living. I'm not entirely sure that the SEC leaving would collapse the BCS, because now, other conferences have shots at that crystal football as well as getting more of their teams into the BCS cabal.

Shanoff had it right in his original idea, that the SEC and another conference, in his view, the Big 12, should go rogue. Right now though, the Big 12 is punchless, as one of its powerhouse programs doesn't need the conference (Texas) and the other could show up to any other conference and have them BEG them to get in (Oklahoma). What other conference or conferences could help the SEC pull this off then? Not the Big 10+2 at this point. Well, actually, they COULD help the SEC a lot by seceding, but at the same time, they have the most to gain out of the SEC pulling out. I mean, they're about as close to an "East Coast" conference as you can get without scraping the bottom of the barrel (Big East, looking in your direction). Also, the ACC is certainly not going to rock the boat because they just seem happy to be there, especially if the SEC comes calling to poach their teams in a bid for hyper expansion.

That leaves two options: the Pac-12 and an agglomerated coalition of teams from the Mountain Time Zone (not just saying "Mountain West" because BYU and select WAC teams are still appealing as well). Each has its cache. The Pac-12 obviously would be the more appealing option from a practical standpoint. If you want an ally, you pretty much need to have a strong ally. When France and England were under attack in World War II, they weren't beating down Guatemala's door for help. It was America they really wanted. The Pac-12 is America in this situation. They have four teams in Los Angeles and the San Francisco Bay combined. They have Seattle, Denver and Phoenix wrapped up. With the SEC, they'd make this awesome pincer combination that would put so much pressure on the NCAA that it would have to scrap the BCS in order not to lose USC on top of the six or so marquee programs they'd be losing from the SEC.

That being said, there's something about taking in the disenfranchised schools that would give the SEC so much public goodwill, even from fans who have grown to loathe the conference for its dominance and perceived fan arrogance. Granted, the mid-major darling pool has dwindled substantially with Utah going to the Pac-12 and TCU inexplicably going to the Big East. But there's still BYU. There's still Boise State.

Maybe that's where the real key is. Granted, I don't think that getting the disenfranchised Mountain teams as the only move would be a coup at all, but getting them in no matter what? The SEC would then be ironclad in the court of public opinion. It wouldn't matter if Boise as the lead team in the SEC Mountain Division or the Independent Mountain Conference or whatever, got creamed in the first round of the playoffs every year. The fact that they'd get a chance, a chance they NEVER got in the BCS system, would be enough to groundswell a sentiment for change.

In essence, I feel that the answer lies in a combination system. Thirty-two teams, the current SEC and Pac-12 conferences along with Oklahoma, Texas A&M, Boise State, BYU, Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma State and Nevada, for example. Four 8-team divisions. An 8-team playoff system. Once even the idea is bandied about as something legitimate, the NCAA would have to answer with appeasement to save its unified front, right?

Even if they didn't... and hell, even if the SEC decides to stay put and stay within the system (which again, benefits them more than it benefits any other conference in America), it won't affect my enjoyment of the actual game on the field. While it is grossly unfair that a team can go undefeated and be "rewarded" with a sham bowl game in a sham system, there's really nothing wrong with the game itself. But just because one part of a system is good doesn't mean you should stop wanting to strive for perfection, or at least something as close to perfection as you can get without really compromising any of the important parts. And honestly, a revolution, a shakeup to get rid of the BCS, would be as good as anything.

So yeah, I support SECession, but I hope that if that does happen, that the South isn't the only place where rebellion foments. There needs to be some kind of support from the West too, or else we'd end up with two systems and a system even more broken than what we'd have started out with.

TWIOT: NFL Training Camp Assessment

The AFC's two favorites?
Photo Credit: ESPN.com

Well, thank God professional football will come back with no missed games outside of a meaningless Hall of Fame preseason game. Hallelujah, hallelujah, praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! The season may a month or so out, but now that its back, why not give a very rudimentary look at the way things will shape up. I'll save my full predictions for the Opening Night, but now, here are ten essential questions for the upcoming NFL season.

1. Are the Eagles a "Dream Team"?

No, and I'm saying this as a fan who has every reason to believe that they could be the best squad money can buy under the constraints of the NFL salary cap. I'm not saying that they won't be good, because I think they will. I think they win the division, and depending on how the Giants or Cowboys gel as teams, we may just win it running away, and I don't mean at 2002-04 levels, but with the way the Phillies right now seem to be running away with their division (knock on wood, for the love of God, don't let me jinx the baseball team). I mean, look at the collection of players on both sides of the ball. Michael Vick, DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, Steve Smith, Brent Celek, LeSean McCoy, Ronnie Brown, Nnamdi Asomugha, Asante Samuel, Dominique Rogers-Cromartie and Trent Cole all range from very good to the best at their respective positions. However, that's only really looking at things in a vacuum.

For one, the NFC East rarely, if ever, is won going away by anyone. Remember, the Eagles were challenged in their salad days by the Giants, and I don't see them really going away this year either. Two, the Eagles may not even have the most impressive collection of talent in the conference. That distinction may still belong to the Green Bay Packers, who still boast the singular best offensive and defensive players in the NFL from last season in Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews. Plus, the defending Super Bowl Champions will be getting back a lot of players from injury as well.

Plus, there's that whole deal about the lines really being questions for the Birds. Games are won and lost in the trenches. That's a fact. Granted, there were signings that addressed both lines, but will they be enough, especially on the offensive line? I mean, Vick can do a lot with his feet to diffuse a pass rush, but for all his talents, his blitz awareness can be absolutely terrible at times. When the line had trouble holding back the front four from getting penetration, you could imagine how many free blitzers they let get into the backfield. I saw a really bad example of this at the infamous Tuesday night game, when a Vikings safety came into the backfield untouched and clobbered Vick, forcing a fumble. Vick didn't even know he was there until impact. That's bad. So while you think Vick may not need a line to be effective, well, even he can't turn every play into a positive if he's getting no protection.

Plus, the players that I did mention have some question marks. Maclin is battling a mystery illness. Samuel is on the trading block and isn't exactly happy about it. Jackson is holding out. The newly-signed Smith is battling through a knee injury and probably won't be ready Week 1. So yeah, there are plenty of reasons to think the Eagles will crash and burn. That being said, I still think they're in really good shape. Just don't crown 'em yet.

2. Okay then, other than the Packers, what other teams do you see with a chance at winning the NFC?

The Falcons are definitely a squad to contend with. Last year, they gained homefield advantage, and although they squandered it away, it wasn't like they lost to the Seahawks, right? The Packers were not going to be denied. The scary part is that the Dirty Birds got better all around for the most part. They signed DE Ray Edwards, a guy I wanted the Eagles to pick up, and they may have gotten the best overall offensive talent in the draft in Alabama WR Julio Jones. With Roddy White on the other side and Tony Gonzalez in the middle of the field, the Falcons all of a sudden have one of the scariest air attacks in the whole league. It's amazing that one of the three teams among the Eagles, Packers and Falcons is going to have to play on Wild Card weekend, because I think they may be three of the best four teams in the NFL right now, not NFC, but NFL.

Other than those three, well, anything goes. That's the beauty of the NFL; the best teams on paper in August rarely play out as the best teams on the field. The rest of the NFC right now has no fewer than ten teams that could make the playoffs. Right now, only the Redskins, Vikings and Panthers seem dead in the water to me, but who knows, I've been proven wrong before.

3. So what, is the AFC chopped liver?

No, but I think on the whole, it's a little more predictable, at least in the three divisions that aren't the West. I think there are fewer teams that are going to contend to go deep in the playoffs as well. For example, it wouldn't surprise me to see the Lions or 49ers make a deep run in the NFC, even at the expense of their big three teams. However, even though I'm not exactly sure that the Browns, Ravens, Jaguars or even the Broncos won't make the playoffs, I'd be utterly shocked if they crashed the party in the AFC Title game. There's less parity in the AFC this year. It's very top heavy.

Basically, it comes down to the Jets, Patriots, Steelers, maybe the Colts and possibly the Chiefs. That may seem like a lot of teams, but compared to how many I think can possibly make noise in the NFC, it's not that many at all.

4. Have we finally seen the last of Brett Favre?

...no, no, NO MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!! Err... I mean, I don't think you're ever going to hear the last of him, at least for a couple more years. Any time a team has QB issues or is looking for a backup, Favre's name is probably going to be dropped, either by the hive mind of reporters who for some reason flock to slobber the guy no matter if he's playing "heroically" or texting dick pics to Jenn Sterger, or by his agent who will call a big press conference just to say Favre is retired and has no plans of coming back.

That being said, there will be bluster, but I think the worst is over. I don't want to definitively say that he's not coming back because when he does, I'll catch some of the blowback, and believe me, I don't want anything to do with being seen as a guy who supports the notion that Favre is good for the game right now. However, I'd be less surprised to see Cam Newton lead the Panthers to a perfect season than I would be to see Favre starting any games for a NFL team this year. I just think last year, he got battered, and even his dumb hick self has to have gotten the hint that he's too old for this shit anymore, right? Right?

*knocks on wood*

5. The rookie wage scale, the new policy on holdouts from training camp and the decree on a salary floor has made this offseason unique and interesting. However, did it make things better?

Depends on whose perspective you're taking here. It's clear the owners won the lockout because they now have way more leverage over players, both rookie and veteran, with the wage scale and the holdout policy. A guy wants more money, especially one drafted in rounds 2 or later from previous years (the dropoff into the second round for salaries is pretty epic... DeSean Jackson is only slated to make $565K whereas Darrius Heyward-Bey makes $2.42M), and not only does he have to grin and bear it, but now his holdout will cost him money and eat more into his bottom line. The first round picks now will make a fraction of what their forebears made. From that standpoint, the greedy shitbag owners got what they wanted with a minimal deflection of the salary floor, which really still amounts to pennies out of their pocket relatively speaking.

That being said, "only" $565K? While I can baffle at the average fan's siding with the owners over players (or at the very least their equal disdain for both sides in conflicts such as these), I can wholly understand their lack of sympathy for a guy like Jackson or Chris Johnson. Fans who plunk down their hard-earned cash to watch grown men play school yard games don't necessarily want to care about the economics (hm, sounds familiar on this, The Wrestling Blog, eh?). Quite frankly, this improves the quality of the game. It'll force more players into training camp on time, they'll be more prepared, and the quality of play will theoretically be sharper in week 1.

6. How long do you see Kyle Orton staying in Denver?

I thought he would have been gone already, and in fact, that Miami hasn't already traded for him means that I don't think he's going anywhere. If the Dolphins, a team struggling to find a QB for about a decade now in the post-Marino area, won't give up half of what the Cardinals gave up for Kevin Kolb, then I seem to think Orton, a valuable fantasy QB and not a whole lot else it seems, doesn't have the demand that the Broncos thinks he has. Looking around the league, there aren't a whole lot of teams that seem to think they have a need for a QB right now. Tennessee got themselves Matt Hasselbeck, a guy who may be washed up, but don't tell the Titans that. The Seahawks have hitched their wagon to Tavaris Jackson and Charlie Whitehurst. Whether you think Orton is better than both those guys or not, it doesn't matter what you think. Pete Carroll thinks he can salvage T-Jax, so that's what's going to happen.

The best thing that can happen for Denver is for a marquee name to get injured and for Tim Tebow to prove everyone wrong and make the jump from college-fabulous player to sound NFL signal caller. It would make Orton expendable, but given that he's a capable QB being bandied about midseason, he'd still command a big price tag. Until then, I expect him to be a Bronco until the end of the year.

7. How will Albert Haynesworth fit in with the Patriots?

Bill Belichick has this track record of taking problem guys and reining them in at the very least. Look at Randy Moss. He was enough of a problem in the locker room everywhere he went that you could at least loosely correlate his behavior to the on-field performance of the team on the whole, but in New England, he was summarily kept in line. When he started to become remotely close to a problem, they shipped his ass to Minnesota.

Haynesworth at the very least was lazy and at the very worst a malignant sore sport on the field in his previous two stints in Tennessee and Washington respectively. That being said, he's doing and saying all the right things right now, which leads me to believe that he'll be useful to the Pats for a year or so, which is good for them, because their defense is coming along nicely and is ready to be a dominant force again. A motivated, healthy, in-check Haynesworth only makes them deadlier.

8. What player would you take first overall in fantasy this year?

As of right now, before any preseason games played, the top player on my radar is Jamaal Charles. Arian Foster produced out of his mind last year, but reports are saying that he's battling a sore hamstring. It's always troubling to see backs struggle with their legs. To me, that catapults Charles to the top of the heap. He split carries last year and still busted out with 1400+ yards rushing/1900+ total yards from scrimmage and 8 total touchdowns. Impressive for a guy who gave up most of his goal line carries to Thomas Jones. In TD only leagues, he may not be as enticing an option due to Todd Haley's refusal to use him at the goal line, and even in yardage leagues, his 6.4 yards per carry last year is a major red flag in that I doubt he keeps it up this year with increased carries. That being said, I'm not sure there's a better candidate in a traditional league.

In other types of leagues, other players may have more value. Leagues that weigh passing yards the same as yards from scrimmage dictate that you take hard looks at both Michael Vick and Aaron Rodgers at the top spot. Point-per-reception leagues put LeSean McCoy, Ray Rice and Peyton Hillis near the top along with Charles and Foster. It depends on the league, but I think you can't go wrong going with Charles.

9. I know you said you weren't doing predictions, but what team is your bust-out candidate this year?

The Rams seem to me to be on the verge of something special. Last year, Sam Bradford shocked the world, coming back from a year inactive in college to take every snap for his team and lead them to the doorstep of the playoffs despite the fact that they didn't have a receiving threat greater than the world's most famous shoot German suplex victim, Danny Amendola. This year, they brought in Mike Sims-Walker from Jacksonville, a proven threat who will give Bradford someone to target more reliably than last year's crops.

Their defense really impresses me too. They have a good young core with the right coach molding them into a fierce unit. I wouldn't be surprised to see them take the NFC West this year with a record better than the 7-9 slate posted by last year's divisional Champion Seattle Seahawks.

10. Again, I know you said you weren't doing full predictions right now, but who do you have in the Super Bowl this year?

It's a tough call, because we haven't seen any teams play live ball, even in somewhat-meaningless preseason play. There are also a lot of injury questions that have yet to be posed. My gut feeling is to say Packers and Jets. My super optimistic homer glasses tell me Eagles and Jets. My ultra-pessimistic outlook says Giants and Patriots. I dunno. I'll get a better feeling for this after week 4 of the preseason, but for now, let's pencil in Eagles and Patriots and go from there.

TWIOT: How to Attack a Buffet

mmmm, gorging, aaaaahhhh....

The inspiration for this week's blog comes to us from Nick of Future Endeavors. Thanks to him for the inspiration!

As I've mentioned on here a bunch of times, I'm trying to lose weight, trying being the operative word. That means I've had to change my eating habits for the most part. However, that doesn't mean that I totally eschew my roots as a fat guy who likes to eat. Quite to the contrary, I still like to get my omnomnomnom on from time to time. Being on a diet, you HAVE to have one day out of the week where you "cheat" or else you go crazy. The key is limiting yourself to that one day rather than doing it every day of the week. But this isn't about diet discipline. No, this is about buffets.

Yes, that's right, the all-you-can-eat buffet. These come in so many different styles, times of day, meal-types and entree options that the options are almost limitless, but there are similarities that every buffet shares. One is that they all have a buttload of food. Two is that if you don't play your cards right, you'll be bloated and full by the time you've completed your first plate. The beauty of the buffet isn't that you load up on one dish, but that you try a bunch of different stuff and get a "tasting" menu without the pretentious atmosphere and exorbitant prices.

So, what I plan on doing with this entry is giving you, the discerning eater, a strategy when dealing with a buffet. That way, when you go to one next, you can get the most out of it.

Know Your Enemy

There are a bunch of different kinds of buffets, but the four most common you're going to see, at least outside of weddings and other catered private events, boil down into these categories:

Fast Food - This covers things like Old Country Buffet, Golden Corral and Ponderosa. They're really the least common denominator when it comes to buffets, both in quality and in selection. You're probably not going to get a vast selection of foods you've never eaten before unless you're not American or you've been living under a rock for the last 100 years. These are good if you want to eat a bunch of comfort foods for cheap, or in the case of Old Country Buffet, if you have a serious bout of self-loathing and want to punish your body for reasons that may or may not be public knowledge. Ponderosa is somewhat of a step above the other two in way that you actually get a cooked-to-order steak with their, as they call it, "food bar". But then again, you're not getting Black Angus beef either.

Casino - The casino buffet is the evolution of the fast food buffet. For the most part, the food is of higher quality, and you get a better selection of foods you may not have tried before, so obviously, they're more expensive. Even the low-end casino buffets are usually good for having high-end seafood on them, like dungeness crab legs or even lobster tail, but when you get to the higher end places, man, you really hit the jackpot. For example, the Borgata in Atlantic City has been known to have braised "osso bucco" style beef shank, braised beef ravioli and other more exotic style fishes and dishes. All-inclusive resort and cruise buffets are included in this category as well. These are the ideal places to try new things you may not have ever eaten before, or to get a sample of close-to-fine-dining as you can get.

Chinese/Asian - This is by far the most popular of the ethnic buffets, although really, how can it be "ethnic" if so many different cultures are lumped in? Well yeah, I guess it's a fallacious argument, but hey, IT'S MY F'N BLOG, DAMMIT. *ahem* Anyway, a regular Chinese food menu can be super daunting to look at if you're undecided on what you want to eat. It's not because there are so many choices you want, but there a few choices that are your go-tos, and then after that a whole two pages of shit you've never even thought of trying before. Granted, a lot of that is the same thing with different proteins as the centerpiece, but then again, if your Chinese food rotation is lo mein-chow mein-General Tso's and nothing else, well, egg foo young or mei fun may as well be roasted dodo.

So where the Chinese buffet comes in is expanding the rest of the menu to you. It's where I first had Peking duck as well as sushi. Not all of these places have food other than Chinese, but the trend is to include Japanese, Thai and even Vietnamese or Korean nowadays. The big caveat here is that these types of buffets generally have the widest range for quality. There are shit-stain bottom of the barrel buffets where all the meat looks sketchy and everything's cold and not refreshed for hours at a time. There are top-line buffets where all the food looks like real food, nothing sits for more than fifteen minutes without getting something fresh put in and everything is just delicious. There are places that lay in between on all points of the scale. So yeah, the best strategy with these places is to find the good ones and never let go of them.

Brunch - The undisputed King of Buffets in my opinion. It's positioned in a time of day where it can usurp two meals and combine the foods of said meals into one-mega-dining experience where it's okay to get yourself a heaping side of bacon to go with your roast beef and mashed potatoes. Go at least once a year to one of these buffets, which are generally held at country club restaurants or other really nice type places.

Of course, there are other styles of all-you-can-eat or buffet style set-ups that are up-and-coming or that exist at all. The Pizza Hut lunch buffets (not sure how prevalent they are anymore though), Amish smorgasbords or even Brazilian rodizio all have their place in the firmament, but I think they're either too much of a niche or they're still emerging (although one could argue that Brazilian rodizio, which I find as the PINNACLE of dining experiences, has already hit the mainstream in a big way). Either way, what's going to follow would apply to those too.

How to Defeat Them

There's no worse feeling in the world when it comes to a buffet than taking one plate and then being full right after. It's almost like you're Jim from American Pie in the infamous bedroom webcam scene with Nadia. Whether it's the dregs of society like Old Country Buffet or a smorgasbord touched by the hand of God Himself like at the Bellagio in Vegas, you need to have a strategy to maximize your sampling and getting your money's worth. Here's my plan:

Exercise beforehand - It's not enough just to go to a buffet hungry. Your body doesn't have a quota of food for the day. The volume of your combined digestive tract plus your body's metabolism (i.e. how much room you have and how fast your body can clear out said room) are what will determine how much of a buffet you can put away. We all know how you can temper the former, but what about the latter? How do we make sure our metabolism is working hard enough so that it can clear out room our bellies and intestines?

The best way to do that is by having a rigorous workout. There's a reason why Michael Phelps eats the MASSIVE amounts of food while he's training, and it's not because of the pot he allegedly smokes. He needs 12,000 calories in order to maintain his muscular frame. Granted, you're not going to swim the amount of laps he does, but you're also not going to put away 12,000 calories at a single sitting either (to be fair, neither does he). Still, exercise revs up the internal engine, and creates a larger caloric demand, which you can conveniently fill by going for seconds, thirds and fourths.

Drink coffee/caffeinated tea and add some spice - Caffeine and capsacin (the compound that makes spicy foods spicy) are two proven compounds that help boost metabolism. Granted, the shot you get from each pales in comparison to that you get from actual movement and strain, but hey, you should take any advantage you can get, right? There is one big caveat, however. You should get your caffeine through black coffee or non-decaf teas. Drinking soda defeats the purpose because you're intaking calories along with the caffeine (although there are studies that suggest high-fructose corn syrup suppresses the enzyme that makes your body feel full, but I'm trying to help you enjoy a buffet, not turn you into a foie gras-yielding goose). This is most easily done at brunch or at a Chinese buffet, but I say screw it, if you're at any other style buffet, fight the shame you think you'll feel by looking like an old man and drink coffee while you're gorging.

Small samples! - Yeah, I know the mac 'n cheese or the spicy tuna roll or whatever may look fucking delicious, but the point of a buffet isn't to load up on one thing. It's to try everything and have a meal that makes you full but at the same time allows you to taste a bunch of different things at the same time. Pacing yourself is key. You don't wanna go and load up a giant salad to start because that'll fill you up. In fact, unless you can get your roughage in a small dose, skip the salad altogether. You've been good the rest of the week with your fiber intake, one day of no raw vegetables won't kill you. The sheer number of options on a buffet should determine your sampling size. Obviously, the more items that look appealing to you, the smaller your portion size should be. And hey, no one said you couldn't go back for more if you still had room and liked a certain thing. Just don't load your first plate up like you've been wandering the desert and haven't eaten for days.

ETA: Except for bacon. Load up on bacon, because Christ, you can never have enough bacon. Ever. At all.

Avoid pizza - Obviously, this doesn't apply if you are at the Pizza Hut buffet, but unless that's the case, then really, what's the point? A lot of buffet pizzas are terrible, and the starch just weighs you down. I mean, why go for a subpar product when 95 times out of 100, the pastas, potatoes or other grains are so much better and probably lighter in a way too? You'd be better off just letting your corner pizzeria handle that duty.

How to Enjoy Them

Obviously, this is a FAR more subjective section than how to defeat a buffet, because everyone enjoys different things when it comes to their own senses. It's true in what we find beautiful or what we are sexually attracted to or what we find funny. That being said, I find that the buffet is best enjoyed when I find something on it that I didn't like before or never tried before and it turned out to be the best thing ever. I think that's the beauty of a good buffet; it has more than just your average comfort food on it. Hell, and even if it is only foods you've tried before, sometimes, there's a different spin on them, and you appreciate it in a different way.

My Favorite Buffet Items

Just for posterity, I'm going to throw out some of the best items I've ever had on a buffet. A lot of them are going to be local to Philadelphia, so I apologize in advance.

Mashed Potatoes at Miller's Smorgasbord, Ronks, PA - The Amish may shun electricity, fornication and the combustion engine, but boy, do they know how to eat. Amish people may not run Miller's, but their traditions are held fast in the kitchen. When you raise barns all day long, you HAVE to eat heartily at dinner time or else you'll be feeble and weak and not worth the shoe on a horse's hoof. So naturally, these potatoes aren't for the faint of heart. However, they are delicious. I imagine there are several sticks of butter that go into each hotel pan batch, and not only do they add to the flavor, but it enhances its creamy goodness to the point where you're eating probably the most soul-satisfyingly smooth potatoes you can get without venturing over the line to "whipped" potatoes. And really, as good as whipped potatoes are? It's cheating.

Calamari Salad at Chima Brazilian Steakhouse, Philadelphia, PA (locations in other cities) - Yes, Brazilian rodizio isn't the very definition of heaven on a plate because of the side dishes. I go to Chima because I fucking want meat, and lots of it. One time I went, I ate 10 different kinds of animal in one sitting. THAT'S HOW A MAN EATS GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. That being said, you'd be missing out if you didn't give their side dish bar a whirl, because there are some tasty dishes up there that compliment the orgy of animal flesh that is dining at such an establishment. Then again, this side dish HAS animal flesh in it, just not a land-grazing one.

The thing about calamari is that taste isn't nearly as important as the texture. That's why people usually eat it fried, because it's a lot harder to fuck up than it is to cook it in any other way. So the fact that this salad isn't fried and the texture is pitch perfect on it makes it aces in my book. Plus it tastes really good.

Braised Beef Ravioli at Borgata Casino Buffet, Atlantic City, NJ - I mentioned this before, and I'll mention it again. Why? Because it combines two of the best things ever, slow-cooked meat and homemade pasta. Whatever executive chef came up with this idea should be given like five James Beard Awards, a Purple Heart and sexual favors from the celebrity of his or her choice. I swear to God, of all the things that are on this buffet, and believe me, it's a buffet that stretches along for at least 300 feet of pure food arrangement, this is the best by far, and it's not even close.

Soft Shell Crab Tempura Roll at Asian Fusion, Holmes, PA - This may be cheating since this technically isn't a "buffet". It's an "all you can eat sushi menu" which is different because you order off a sheet and you don't self-serve. But I think that's a very pedantic difference to hold up to, so I'm going to ignore it. Anyway, I've always been hesitant to eat soft shell crab because ewwwww you eat the shells too and they're not cleaned out? Gross. But it's not gross, actually. Again, this is where the "leap of faith" or trying shit that you never would have tried before comes into play. I ordered it, ate it and was like NOMNOMNOM and wanted it again. So perfect. Deep fried crab definitely kicks the ass of any other deep fried seafood you can get.

So that's basically it. When the spirit moves you go to a buffet, I hope this helps you not only enjoy it, but make it your bitch as well. Show restaurant proprietors that you can make them feel like they made a mistake giving you all you could eat without feeling like the kid from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory who ate the candy that made him turn all bloated and purple. That, my friends, is the best way to show food who's boss.

TWIOT: Harry Potter and the Eight Movies of Quality

This picture doesn't really have anything to do with the article. But it's Emma Watson doing the troll face. C'mon, that's awesome

The Harry Potter film franchise is over. After eight films, legions of fans being minted, tantalized and now satisfied and a boatload of money produced, the epic series finally wrapped up when Deathly Hallows: Part 2 was released a couple of weeks ago. I didn't see the landmark movie until a week after it was released, but when I finally saw it with my wife, sister-in-law and her fiancé, it was worth the wait, both from the end of last fall's Deathly Hallows: Part 1 and the week between release and my viewing.

This isn't going to be a review of Part 2, rather than a retrospective on the series. It's very hard to keep a strong narrative going over three films/books, let alone eight films and seven books. The thing is, it could very easily have been 10+ movies, given that they were considering splitting Goblet of Fire in two and, according to my wife who read the books, had enough material in Order of the Phoenix and The Half-Blood Prince to make each serial into two or even three movies apiece. Just ask George Lucas, who succeeded with his first Star Wars trilogy, but by many people's reckoning, absolutely failed with the second one. Or you could ask the Wachowski brothers, who followed up The Matrix with two underwhelming at best sequels. Or Sam Raimi, whose first two Spider-man movies were great, but who ultimately faltered with the third installment. That the Potter team, a collective of several different directors under the unchanging narrative written by JK Rowling, told an absolutely breathtaking story with very few moments of falter deserves praise.

Still, its greatest achievement is probably how it appeals to a broad spectrum of ages. Even the first two movies, which people will say are total kids' fare, have some very dark moments, and after it becomes "dark", it still has an appeal to kids, albeit ones that are older. The themes are more mature than what you'd find in your typical Dreamworks computer animated film. They deal with death, betrayal, orphaning, deception, war, murder, trust, politics, educational reform, and yet each film is cleverly set with wizards, mythical creatures and exaggerated characters who typify good and evil cleanly enough so that they can be digested by kids, who may not be ready for a full palate of grays on the canvas.

But while the characters retain a simple identity for the most part (with some exceptions, like Severus Snape, maybe the best character in the entire series – a good guy whose gruff exterior keeps you asking questions until the final exposition of his intents after he dies in DH Pt. 2), they're still fully developed and wonderfully acted, serving almost as archetypes in some cases. For example, Dolores Umbridge, the hawkish, almost fascist member of the Ministry of Magic, serves as the most evil character in any series. Her prissy, old-fashionedly feminine exterior belies her sinister intentions, toadying for the Minister's ignorance regarding the return of Voldemort and then using Draconian measures of punishment at Hogwarts on students whose only crime is satisfying their child-like curiosity. Her slow transformation of the school into a police state was the absolute best part of Order of the Phoenix, and one of the most effective displays of villainy short of portraying someone like Mobuto Sese Seko or Pol Pot in film.

Then there's Neville Longbottom, who throughout the series, is the prime example of all that is good in the world. From when we first see him in The Sorcerer's Stone until his final triumph in the last film, he is always fighting for what's right, even if he's not very good at executing his intentions at first. However, the way that he is portrayed, you can't help but root for the kid, making his triumph over Voldemort and his aiding of Harry in his final fight almost as satisfying – if not more so – than Harry's resolutions.

That's where Rowling and by proxy the filmmakers who were tasked with animating her fictional characters succeeded. From the ideation of the characters through casting to their final ends, whenever they may have been, each character was real, lifelike, even though they existed entirely in a fantasy world. From the bit players like Prof. Trelawny, through to the supporting characters like Bellatrix LeStrange and Sirius Black all the way to the main core, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Dumbledore, Snape, Voldemort and Hagrid, they all felt so real.

And that's why I can't begrudge the hardcore fans for being so sad that this is over. Having felt the same pangs over the end of LOST last year, I can empathize. Although the Potter series didn't strike the same chord of fanaticism in me that LOST or that pro wrestling still does, that doesn't mean I can't recognize it for how well-done and rewarding the entire series has been. I too feel like there's going to be a void in theaters now that Potter is finished. It's not like it's the only series that has legs, but it's definitely a series that I could wholeheartedly count on to deliver on a great film watching experience.

So with that, I bid a fond adieu to Harry Potter and his friends, enemies and acquaintances. It's been a great ride, and everyone involved should be proud of themselves.

TWIOT: Even in Labor Strife, the NFL Does It Right

Reports are coming out that the NFL owners have ratified the new collective bargaining agreement. The players just need to recertify their union and ratify the CBA and the lockout is over. This could happen as early as tonight. I don't know about you, but I'm fucking thrilled. The prospect of missed football games on Sundays this fall scared the ever-loving shit out of me as a sports fan. There are a scant few things in life outside of wrestling and family that engross me the way the NFL does. I can watch any two teams play, even if it's a putrid NFC West matchup. I participate in fantasy football. If I gamble on sports (NOT WITH MONEY WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE GUISE), it's primarily on the NFL.

So why is it that I and millions of other red-blooded Americans of both genders (mostly males probably though) love the NFL so much? It's because they do mostly everything right. They market their product correctly. They've fine-tuned the game to the point where it's easy for people to watch for the most part, although the tide for that may be turning with the overcompensation in the name of player safety. Regardless, it's still a league that for the most part does everything right.

That includes having labor strife. As I knock on wood, rub my rabbit's foot and do everything else imaginable to avoid jinxing this progress, with all the luck in the world, this lockout is going to end with no missed regular season games. If you think about how disastrous other labor struggles have been for other leagues, having a work stoppage that only really stops the interesting-for-a-second free agency process is a God-damned blessing. Baseball had the entire stretch run and postseason in 1994 cancelled. The NBA's 1998-99 season ended up only being a 1999 season because of time missed. Hell, the NHL missed an entire fucking season with their last work stoppage. The interruptions in play damaged all three leagues; not irreparably, but the lockouts and strikes were all instrumental in the NFL's rise to prominence as the new American pastime as well as the NFL's smart marketing.

That's why, again KNOCKING ON WOOD, if this deal is accepted without any lost regular season time, it proves that the NFL just gets it. They had their labor strife and their squabbles. The owners got to let their greedy-as-fuck flags fly a little bit without giving a fuck (mainly because toadies like Peter King would keep defending them like they were Little Sisters of the Poor). The players got to rage against the machine while getting a respite from the "voluntary" minicamps as well as getting a truncated training camp. Now, if this deal gets signed sooner rather than later? The owners and players got it out of their systems. Now it's time to play.

A quarter of the way through the season? This will all be forgotten. I guarantee it. We'll all be enjoying football, and no one will remember Jerry Richardson eating babies while claiming that the players were bankrupting him, or Adrian Peterson comparing his plight to those who sailed over as captives on the Amistad.

And that's the reason why the NFL is, and probably will be for the forseeable future, the king of sport in the United States. As the NBA descends into a destructive lockout that could break it due to the bleak predictions of how long it's going to last, the NFL shows everyone how it's done.

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If you want to read more about the lockout and its impact, be it within the sport itself or in an unusually salient way concerning its socio-economic place, then read these two pieces by Drew Magary at Deadspin and Mike Tunison at Kissing Suzy Kolber.

The Wrestling Podcast, Episode 11: Mike Meech (This Week in Off-Topic Edition)

Episode 11: Junkyard Doggystyle

A TWP-first, a “This Week in Off-Topic” themed podcast featuring Mike Meech of The Fightins, a Phillies blog. We talk about a lot of baseball, including the Phillies’ chances, how nice Tampa Bay Rays fans are, how nasty the Braves’ pitchers are, Brian Wilson and his goofy-ass ESPYs outfit and why he’s rooting for the Pirates this year. We do talk some classic wrestling and we both agree that the old WWE ice cream bars should come back. Check it out!

Direct Link to Episode 11

TWIOT: Trial by Nancy Grace Is Not in the Constitution, Folks

If she got away with it, don't blame the jury
Photo Credit: The Inquisitr

I don't know much about the Casey Anthony trial. I will admit that from get-go one. What I do know is that an innocent child is dead, and the primary suspect, her mother, was acquitted of most of the serious charges brought against her in relationship to that death. I also know that both of those facts put together have made a lot of people very, very angry, including shrill talking head Nancy Grace. It's always fascinating to see such an uproar over what people perceive as miscarriages of justice, because so many opinions come out that range from misinformed and ignorant to surprisingly salient and mindset-changing. Usually though, it's the former opinions that get the most play, and that's a shame.

Some of the more ignorant mindsets place the blame for this solely on the jury, as if they were a cabal of 12 people who conspired to set Casey Anthony free. They're wrong. The jury can only go on the evidence and arguments presented to them, and they have to be, unlike Grace and many other people who are pissed at this verdict, open-minded. If this case were decided on Grace's horrible blame-fest of a show, then Anthony would have been executed in the same way she was accused of murdering her daughter a millisecond after she was named a person of interest in the case. That's why Grace is perhaps the worst of the talking heads on television. She isn't interested in justice, she's interested in flambeing people for the heinous crime of murdering pretty white girls from affluent households. She conveniently forgets the fact that in America, you're innocent until the state can build a case against you to prove beyond the shadow of any doubt that you are indeed guilty.

That's the way it should be. The state or the plaintiff has to be the ones who need to be able to prove wrongdoing. If it were the other way, the jail population would make what it is right now look like fucking Siberia for one, and the percentage of people who were wrongly incarcerated would be at the very least tripled what it is now.

Granted, that isn't to say that I think Anthony is innocent of murdering her daughter. Again, I have no real opinion on the matter because I didn't follow the case. From what I do know, the fact that Caylee was found in Anthony's car (thanks, Adam B.!) in the woods, mouth duct-taped and such, and that Anthony waited a whole month to report that her daughter was missing, I'd probably make the assumption that yes, she's at the very least guilty of gross criminal negligence and should spend the rest of her life being fingerblasted against her will by an inmate named Mullica. But that's the thing, I didn't hear the arguments that the jurors heard. Apparently, either the defense was extremely good or the prosecution fumbled the ball like they were Roy Williams₁ streaking into the end zone against the Saints on Thanksgiving.

And to hammer home the point even further, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Nancy Grace doesn't care about Caylee Anthony or finding justice for her. I think she just gets off on seeing people be punished, or sating her own bloodlust. If she had cared about Caylee, she would have gone into this with an open mind, like the jurors did. She would have lamented that she thought Anthony was guilty and that the prosecution did a poor job presenting their case. She wouldn't have been making proclamations like "The Devil is dancing" and the like that suggests she's going to go all Rorschach on Anthony when she gets out of prison a year from now.

Again, my point isn't that Casey Anthony is innocent and we should leave her alone. No way. In my limited knowledge of the case, I feel like she probably did it. However, getting mad at the jury isn't going to do anything. Wanting to maim, kill or do whatever to Anthony isn't going to do anything (although I will admit, that picture of Dexter that's been floating around is fucking funny). Putting your porch light on isn't going to do anything.

Here's what you can do though. You can donate money to charities that help end child abuse in all its forms. You can petition the media to pay attention to EVERY child that is murdered or neglected by his or her parents, not just the cute, privileged ones. You can stop channeling your anger at the jury, and maybe channel it at the prosecutors in the state of Florida for fucking up what should have been an open-and-shut case to bring closure to the death of an innocent girl. And the best thing you can do is ignore Nancy Grace so she goes away.

Believe me, the sooner that shrill harpy is gone from the public consciousness, the better it is for everyone.

1 - Cowboys schadenfreude is never not funny. God I love ripping on them.

TWIOT: Gratuitous Beer Post

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

I knew there was a reason why Ol' Ben is my favorite amongst the Founding Fathers. Even if beer is wholly an invention of man, it really is something that, if consumed in responsible quantities, enhances life and good times. The key word there is responsible, as really, getting piss drunk or developing a dependency on alcohol are both not cool at all. But this isn't about lecturing, it's about enjoying the greatness that is beer.

Now, for those who do know me, I'm not really into the garden variety light beers from the major breweries that are usually associated with sudsy consumption. That isn't to say that I'm a beer snob. No, you're a snob when you look down on people for drinking what they drink. If you want to chug Coors Light or Miller Lite, hey, be my guest. Don't expect me to partake though, because I don't like it. That isn't really a slight against the mainstream brewers either. I have hipster tendencies when it comes to beer, but I used to house the shit out of Budweiser before I realized that even drinking one or two of them would give me a hangover the next day. I also enjoy Corona, Guinness, Yuengling and all the different offerings from Sam Adams, and really, if you see advertisements for a beer on TV, they're mainstream.

But then again, since they're all over the place, you know about them. Again, I'm about to get somewhat beer hipster on your asses, but at the same time, I AIN'T CARE if I set the path for these beers to go mainstream. Why? Because they're that good and they need to be shared by people. I'm a firm believer that if something is good, it deserves to be lauded and sampled by everyone. So I'm gonna give some of my favorite off-the-radar beers and hope that you can at least find them.

Awww yeah
Photo Credit: Me

That right there is 3 Philosophers Belgian-style Quadrupel produced by Brewery Ommegang based in Cooperstown, NY. Ommegang is an abbey-style brewery in America, proving that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and that no, the monks over in Belgium aren't the only ones who know how to make top-notch beer. I was turned onto this by a buddy of mine who works for Origlio Beverage Distributors, and it has literally changed my life, at least in terms of what kinds of beers I look for. It has a strong, ale flavor, typical of most Belgians, but it has the hint of cherry. The reason is that 2 percent of it by volume is a kriek, or a cherry lambic.

Now, there are some terms you might need to know going forward that I probably should have introduced. The Belgians have a sort of nomenclature system when it comes to their beers. You have dubbel, tripel and quadrupel. Those names imply a hierarchy, which is there, both in flavor and in potency. Dubbels are traditionally the weakest in terms of alcohol by volume (ABV), while Quadrupels are strongest. That isn't to say dubbels are weak at all. The least potent abbey-style ale will be inordinately stronger than your typical macrobrew here in the States. Also, dubbels are usually brown ales, tripels blond and quadrupels having more of a deep, golden color reminiscent of traditional Pilsner-style lagers you find in America (Bud, Miller etc.). The color is really the only thing that a quadrupel has in common with a traditional American lager, because the flavor, alcohol content and overall quality blows most mainstream beer here out of the water.

Furthermore, lambic-style beers are brews made with fruit. The most common one that I've seen is framboise, which literally translates from the French to raspberry. It's the tastiest of the ones I've tried and it also mixes well with other beers, specifically a chocolate stout. Kriek, pomme (apple) and even cranberry (Sam Adams makes a good one in that style) are also popular lambics. The ABV is traditionally lower than what you'd find in abbey/Trappist style beers, but then again, lambics are generally brewed with lighter flavors in mind, rather than the strong, distinctive ale-flavors in other Belgians.

Back to 3 Philosophers, I'm not really a big fan of cherry flavoring most of the time. I tried Sam Adams' Cherry Wheat and almost threw up. However, the slight hint of cherry flavoring in this beer works on such a great level. It plays with the stronger beer flavor in a way that makes it smoother and deceptively less "alcohol" tasting than you'd think for a beer with 9.8% ABV.

Testify!
Photo Credit: Me

This is another Belgian-style beer from an American company, this time based out of Fort Bragg, CA. North Coast Brewing Co. is responsible for Brother Thelonious, and while I might be speaking out of turn, this might just be my favorite dubbel-style ale right now. Don't get me wrong, Chimay makes a fine one as well, and other companies shine. Abbey-style dubbel, along with stout, porter, traditional Czech Pilsner and Indian pale ale, is in my top five of styles of beer. There are a lot of great breweries, here and in the abbeys across the Atlantic, making quality dark strong ales.

However, what makes Brother Thelonious stand out most? I think it has the cleanest, smoothest taste, not sacrificing flavor or ABV but having the least hint of acridity that sometimes comes with brewing in this style. It's so drinkable that you can take out a four pack before you know it, which is good or bad depending on how inebriated you wanted to get.

The boar approves!
Photo Credit: Me

This might be a little harder to find for you if you're not in Philly, eastern PA or somewhere near there. If you can find it though, Lancaster Brewing Co. Hop Hog IPA is well worth the purchase. Most IPAs (India pale ale) are acquired tastes, as they're very bitter on account of the massive amounts of hops used for brewing. That being said, if you do have the palette for it, then you probably love drinking them. It truly is a love/hate beer.

I like Hop Hog best because it does the best job of balancing out the bitterness with the citrus notes underneath. Plus, as most IPAs do, it pairs well with spicy foods, and I'm a huge fan of the foods that set your mouth on fire.

JA!
Photo Credit: Me

Ah yes, Germany's submission to the list is Schneider Aventinus, a Weizenbock-style beer from Private Weissbierbrauerei G. Schneider und Sohn. Weizenbocks are cousins to the Hefeweizen-style German brews, which means it's a wheat beer with an unfiltered appearance and texture. It might look murky, but it's supposed to be that way, and actually they can be quite delicious with fruity undertones. Aventinus is a beer that I usually have when I go to my local "beer snob" bar, because it's a safe pick. I know it's going to be there and I know I'll enjoy the hell out of it. Then again, a "safe pick" for me is very adventurous for someone whose idea of a fancy beer is Guinness. Again, nothing wrong with that, I'm just saying. The first time I had it, I was absolutely shocked at how it tasted, actually. You look at a darker beer and think you'll get coffee, chocolate, honey and other heavier, more wintry flavors associated with brews of those color. Not with Aventinus, which boasts banana, apple and even floral undertones.

The OG of Pilsners
Photo Credit: Me

You know the Czechs have been brewing beer longer than there's been a country associated with their nationality? Then again, that goes for the Belgians too, but a lot of what is drunk here in America is a direct descendant of what brewers in the Czech Republic have been doing for about a millennium now. Budweiser even took its name from a Czech brewer and called its product a Pilsner. I'm not sure there are many beer afficianados who'd be okay with either one of those things, but it is what it is.

That being said, Pilsner Urquell, from the brewery of the same name, is one of the original brewers in this style. This is the idealized version of the mainstream American lager. It's clean, crisp, refreshing and has an unmistakable beer flavor that isn't bogged down by a stale or skunky taste that at least I find in most "light" beers (especially Miller Lite... I fuckin' hate that shit, but hey, if you like it, you like it. I can't stress that enough). I don't know, I think if you want to drink an "exotic" beer and you're used to drinking the same ol', this might be the best entree into the world of craft and import beers. It's the best of what's around, I think.

But hey, if you want to be adventurous, be adventurous. Try new things, different things, things that you might not otherwise drink unless someone offered it to you to try. Life is based on new experiences to add to the familiar ones that you already have. I'm not saying that you'll stop drinking Miller Lite or whatever after trying new beers, and I honestly don't want to promise that. There's a place for everything in this world. For as much shit as some people give me for being a "beer snob", I refuse to give it back for people drinking the "same shit". At the same time, I still think people should try everything they can, everything that looks remotely appealing to them.

That means trying a craft brew or an import or a special edition or even a homebrew. There are people out there making fantastic beers who are completely amateurs to the process. Great beer is found everywhere, and again, if you enjoy it responsibly, you'll find a good time wherever there's good beer.

Remember you can contact TH and ask him questions about wrestling, life or anything else. Please refer to this post for contact information. He always takes questions!

TWIOT: Eulogy for Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell

Pictured here: An honorable man
Photo Credit: Boomtron.com

Lord Eddard Stark, better known as Ned by those close to him, died ignominiously eleven days ago, on the episode entitled "Baelor" on HBO's landmark series Game of Thrones. The Lord of Winterfell and the former Hand of the King to Robert Baratheon, the late ruler of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, was beloved in his home region of the North, but disliked and even held in contempt by those who didn't like what he represented. But what did Lord Stark represent? It was more than just his snow-covered, windswept landscape to the North, dangerously close to The Wall and the White Walkers that now threaten Westeros. It was more than his sigil, the Direwolf, or the family he raised. It was more than his friendship with King Robert, and his servitude to the realm.

More than anything, he represented honor, but in death, more specifically, HIS death represented the death of honor.

One of the knocks against Stark was that he wasn't a very bright man. This much is true. He passed up several opportunities to broker peace deals that could have kept him alive and away from The Wall. He followed the exact same steps that his predecessor as Hand, Jon Arryn, did knowing full well that the investigation he was undergoing got Arryn killed by the scheming Lannister family. There were only two explanations for why Stark would continue to prod at the burgeoning conspiracy unfolding behind closed doors like an adolescent boy throwing rocks at an angry beehive. Either he was stupid, or he had a cognitive dissonance about what was going on, and went by the book because that's the way things should have been done.

Since this is a eulogy, I come not to knock the man, but to argue that it was more the latter than the former. I believe Lord Eddard knew that his course of action was the right thing to do, even if in his heart of hearts, he knew it was going to get him killed. In a sense of stubbornness, duty or conscience, he pressed on anyway, thinking he could change the world by being a good man. Sadly, the world was changing, only in a far more dark and twisted way than what Stark could ever have thought of.

The world was becoming an unkind place for those who wished to uphold tradition, respect and decorum. Arryn died because he dared question whether the blond-haired, blue-eyed Joffrey was really the son of Robert, despite the fact that every other child sired by the fat king out of his wedlock to Queen Cersei of House Lannister had black hair and brown eyes, and as a result, put into doubt whether he was the true heir to the Iron Throne. When Khal Drogo dared listen to the Moon of His Life and spared the life of conquered healer, he was repaid by being turned into the first recorded vegetable in the history of the Vaes Dothrak by that very same healer. In what has become a microcosm of the whole series to date, Bronn dispatched Lord Vardis in the stead of Tyrion Lannister in his trial by combat and didn't exactly fight honorably. Lady Lysa Arryn levied the claim that exact claim, to which Tyrion deadpanned, pointing to the hole out of which Bronn threw his defeated foe, "No, but he did."

So, in a world where dishonor and lawlessness seem to be rewarded, the swordblow that separated Ned Stark's head from the rest of his body was the final, stunning blow to the idea that honor alone can be used as a compass for navigating life in the Seven Kingdoms (and beyond). Now, the world is thrown into chaos, with the Lannisters fighting a war on three fronts against three unique enemies with different goals, two of which want the crown that Tywin's grandson wears on his adolescent and merciless head. A fourth force, one powered by dragons and Dothraki savagery, looms across the Narrow Sea.

Which force will win though? It won't be the noblest one, I'll tell you that. It'll be the one that fights with the greatest strength, the greatest cunning or the best strategy. That isn't to say that honor is something to be scoffed at. No, quite contrarily, Ned Stark should be held up as a martyr, an ideal even, for what all men should strive to be like, but not too much like. The lesson here is that Stark's honor should be commended, but in his final moments, he showed something more valuable than he did in his life of servitude, honestly and valor. He showed some cunning. He made a deal with the Mad King Joffrey to admit treason he didn't commit in order to save his daughters' lives. No one can question whether saving the lives of his kin is noble or not. However, his gambit, which was squelched because of Joffrey's dishonesty, a trait that even surprised his deceitful mother Cersei, not because it wasn't an attempt to play the game.

That's the lesson that Stark's death teaches. You don't wait until it's too late to make bold choices, even if they're dishonorable. Sometimes, you need to take the rap for a crime you didn't commit, or tell lies or break oaths for the greater good. His death, though outrageous to several fans of the show who grew attached to him, was necessary to further the theme of the overall story.

That being said, it's still a sad death, and one that should be lamented. Ned Stark died as he lived, not as a moron like I had previously stated on Twitter, but as a stubbornly honorable man, noble to a fault and a man who only started to learn his lesson when it was too late. If there's any justice in that fictional world, he shall be avenged, either by his son Robb sodomizing Joffrey with his sword, his bastard Jon Snow sodomizing the King with his sword or, my personal hope, in the belly of one of Danerys Targaryen's dragons.

However, that doesn't change the fact that he didn't need to die, which I think is the most important real life lesson that could be learned from a fictional death. Sometimes, honor just isn't enough.

Remember you can contact TH and ask him questions about wrestling, life or anything else. Please refer to this post for contact information. He always takes questions!

TWIOT: Comrade Bill Plaschke Is Baffled Why You Hate the Heat

Bill Plaschke: The Worst
Photo Credit: LATimes.com

There once was a site called Fire Joe Morgan. It was this site that took the idiotic things that sports journalists said or wrote and lampooned them. While the site was named for Morgan, whose bad commentary on ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball was LEGENDARY for its suck, they skewered other bad journalists as well. How they'd do it is by reposting an article and then replying to it line by line. It really is a sight to behold. Kissing Suzy Kolber still holds that style of lampooning up every Monday, as Drew Magary (and if he's not available, someone else in their talented cadre of writers, usually Mike Tunison or friend of TWB Josh Zerkle) rips apart Peter King. King isn't the only terrible journalist out there, just the worst when it comes to football. There are other sports that have bad writers, and today, we visit the hall of the NBA and Bill Plaschke.

For those who don't know who Plaschke is, he appears on Around the Horn quite frequently, and he is, beyond any shadow of a doubt, the worst panelist they've ever had. Worse than Michael Holley. Worse than TJ Simers. Worse than even Jay Mariotti. What makes him bad? Well, he's the definition of a bleeding-heart sophist who likes taking people to task for things that really are normal. This past week, he called people who hated the Miami Heat to the carpet, meaning he called everyone who wasn't a front-runner or who was a fan of the Heat traditionally out. Now, I call him out.

Imagine a basketball team whose three biggest stars have sacrificed money and ego to assemble on one team for the sole intent of winning a championship.

Ah yes, three men who gave up the chance to make $20 million a year to make merely $14 million a year! These men are true paragons of thrift for the greater good!

Two of those stars' craving for a title was such that they left homes they loved and fans who loved them.

Things Bill Plaschke applauds:

1. Disloyalty

The third star made an equally difficult move by stepping aside and welcoming them.

Imagine this collection of players then playing an entire season under a national microscope unmatched in the history of team sports. Every itch is documented, every scratch is scrutinized, every star is questioned about every public act, every day is another chance for them to embarrass or enrage.

Kinda like politicians, right? Ten bucks says that Plaschke is also on the front line calling for Anthony Weiner to resign his position.

But imagine they don't. They endure the media's perfect storm with uncommon dignity and grace.



Yep, graceful.

They don't publicly criticize others.

Wow Billy, they sure don't. They just rip each other on the court in front of the cameras so the entire basketball-watching public can see just how non-critical they are.

They don't publicly fight among themselves.

Yeah, I don't think he was watching the same Finals that everyone else was.

Off the court, they are a model of restraint. On the court, they are an example of unselfish determination, three guys trying to figure out a way to meld their three incredible talents for the good of this team.

There should be a footnote here. I'll write it for him:

1 – Copied with permission from an interoffice memo at ESPN.

Imagine this collection of stifled egos and textbook teammates growing together for nine months until they are within two victories of an NBA title.

And imagine all of America cheering against them.

A highly successful team being cheered against? ALERT THE PRESSES THIS IS NEWS! This is a fun game. Let's imagine other highly improbable scenarios as well:

"Imagine getting a burrito supreme, a cheesy gordita crunch, two soft tacos and a large soft drink and only paying five bucks for it.

And imagine all of America eating it like manna from the heavens, causing a diabetes epidemic."

"Imagine a man with a foreign sounding name with an even more inflammatory middle name and him winning the office of the Presidency.

And imagine all of the Republican Party questioning whether he was born here."

"Imagine a woman with 36 DD breasts, an hourglass figure and her being a football fan and loving to give oral.

And imagine every male in America wanting to get with this woman."

I could do this for hours.

This is the Miami Heat, and you hate the Heat, and I can't figure out why.

I know, I mean, look at how beloved the Yankees, Lakers, Cowboys, Microsoft, WalMart and Nickelback are.

Miami plays host to the Dallas Mavericks on Sunday night in Game 6 of one of the greatest NBA Finals that I have witnessed, the games filled with a passion that is equaled only by this paradox.

The Heat has been built around many of the values that many fans admire not only in their sports, but also in their lives, yet seemingly everyone is texting and chanting, "Go Mavs." Have you met anybody outside of Miami who is cheering for the Heat? I haven't, and it makes no sense.

I love how Plaschke spent three paragraphs now just saying how rooting against the Heat makes absolutely no sense, like he's somehow new to the human race or something. Forget Rocky or Hoosiers. Forget real life examples like the 1980 Olympic Hockey team or the Jets in Super Bowl III. Read the Bible. I'm not saying this as some evangelical Christian; no, I'm saying this because the oldest underdog story is right in there. David and Goliath. Do you think that would have been as effective a parable if Goliath won, or if David was the overwhelming favorite in the battle?

The Mavericks are the team with a player, Jason Terry, who prances down the court imitating a jet after he scores a basket.

Holy shit, that sounds awesome. He sounds like he's really having fun out there.

Yet it is the Heat players who are considered arrogant.

I don't know, I think the arrogance scale pegs with "having a party promising multiple Championships", while it might go a quarter of the way tops (if that) with Terry's gesticulation. But that's just me.

The Mavericks are the team with the owner who sits behind the bench and attempts to bully the officials. Yet it is the Heat which is considered evil.

Ah yes, the old "fight imagined sanctimony with REAL sanctimony" cliché at work. I think anyone who wants to call someone evil for playing a game should be shot. But let's work on his level here. If I were Mark Cuban, and I had to live through the 2006 Finals where my team had 52 fewer free throw attempts and five games out of six at the FT disadvantage against the same franchise, I'd be pretty vocal to the refs as well.

The Mavericks have a guard, Jason Kidd, who pleaded guilty to a domestic-abuse charge after assaulting his wife. They have another guard, DeShawn Stevenson, whose career has been marked by legal issues. Yet the Heat players are considered bad guys?

Things Bill Plaschke Applauds:

1 – Disloyalty
2 – Unforgiveness

America thinks the Heat was unfairly built, but how many Americans have left their longtime jobs to take a chance with a hot company filled with all-star workers?

Depends, are they taking a pay cut to go there? If the answer is "yes", then my guess is not many would do the same without the benefit of advancing one's career. I mean, there's no real parallel to winning a sports Championship in the real world. Your company's #1, woo-hoo, great. But the team being #1 isn't going to matter to Joe Lunchpail if he's not making enough money to raise his family. So, in closing…

Things Bill Plaschke Applauds:

1 – Disloyalty
2 – Unforgiveness
3 – Communism

America thinks the Heat has been constructed to defy the notion of fair competition, but since when is it unfair or anticompetitive to do everything within the rules to win?

In truth, this isn't a terrible point. Blind squirrel, nut, what have you. And if the only thing in play here was LeBron James and Chris Bosh taking less money to go win a title, then that's where I'd have the problem with the sports fans at large here, a group that almost seemingly hates the fact that athletes make millions of dollars to play a kids game.

However, that isn't the only thing in play here. I'd say The Decision and the night club party where again, they promised MULITPLE titles are more reasons why people are so against the idea of the Heat winning the title ever, whether it was their failed attempt this year or in any other year following. And really, a lot of people aren't really challenging the fairness of it. I mean, there are people out there who want to see the best athletes of our generation clash with each other, not team up to create some villainous, SPECTRE-type organization. It might not be fair from a generational scope to poo-poo this whole thing because it's "not something Jordan would do", but at the same time, LeBron compares himself to Jordan ALL THE FUCKING TIME. It's more than fair to throw those comparisons back at him.

Then there's the whole thing with their destination of choice being Miami (or as Against Me! sang, "FUCKING MIAMI") that doesn't set well. I mean yeah, if you could choose Miami over Cleveland or even Chicago from a personal standpoint, you do it, but there's the feeling that no one cares about anything on South Beach, let alone basketball. So yeah, there are not just the notions of fairness or anticompetition in play here.

Even though he hails from Germany, the Mavericks star Nowitzki is viewed as an all-American player. Humble, deferential, shaggy hair, floppy walk — he's Jimmy Chitwood with an accent.

Even thought he hails from middle America, the Heat star James is viewed as a foreigner. Dark stare, hulking frame, intimidating swagger — he's Ivan Drago with a headband.

Things Bill Plaschke Applauds:

1 – Disloyalty
2 – Unforgiveness
3 – Communism
4 – Xenophobia

Nowitzki is the only one of these two players who has publicly ripped a teammate during these Finals — remember when he called out Terry for not being clutch?

Was it a dick move? Probably. But then again, LeBron's the one who was getting ripped. I think he's comparing the two wrong players, since the Heat's alpha male is clearly Wade here.

yet James is considered the loudmouth.

Considering that was the first time Nowitzki has really said anything to a teammate, and James has spent the entire year talking about taking his talents to South Beach, asking Nike consumers what he should do, calling out haters and what not, I'd say this one's a no-brainer to figure out.

Neither player has won a championship, yet even though James has risked his reputation to be here, everyone thinks Nowitzki deserves it more.

Given that the common train of thought was that Nowitzki was robbed of a title five years ago (whether that's true or not is irrelevant here since we're talking perception), I don't see how this is all that much a leap to make.

Are there racial elements here? It would be naive to think otherwise. In some narrow corners I'm sure Nowitzki is considered a great white hope while James represents the heart of darkness. But James and, by association, the Heat are disliked for other reasons far more complex than color.

Ah yes, it wouldn't be Plaschke without playing the race card. He quickly hedges, but this is a trademark of his. If anything is remotely posed as black vs. white, BAM, race card. Let's ignore the fact that Kidd, Stevenson, Terry and Shawn Marion are all black (or at least part-black), and make it Nowitzki vs. James. Convenience!

For one, there's history. Many have decided to dislike LeBron James since The Decision, and it's hard to argue with them. I thought James' nationally televised announcement last summer that he was dumping Cleveland for Miami was perhaps the most narcissistic bit of athletic behavior ever, and I ripped him for it.

Translation: "It's okay when I rip a guy, but when you unwashed slobs do it? IT'S UNACCEPTABLE."

But as time has passed, I've realized that James was an immature 25-year-old who was taking advice from other immature 25-year-olds. Wouldn't we hate for our lives to be forever stained by one of the many stupid things we all did in our mid-twenties?

I forgot that forever meant for the rest of the season. Talk about time compression. Oh, and as Michael Vick has proven, no one ever gets redeemed in sports, ever… oh wait.

While James is hated initially for The Decision, the rest of the Heat players were hated initially for what happened next, that smoky nightclub of a pep rally last summer to celebrate the union of James, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade. They claimed they would win multiple championships. They partied as if they had already won.

It was disgusting, but it was just marketing, and it was reminiscent of a certain giddiness that enveloped the assembling of another combination all-star plate in the summer of 2003. I'm guessing most of those who fear the Heat were fascinated with the Lakers when Karl Malone and Gary Payton joined Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal. With the exception of a little summer stupidity, what's the difference?

The difference was Kobe and Shaq didn't celebrate like they won the title at a nightclub their signings. Well, that and comparing Gary Payton and Karl Malone at the end of their careers to James and Bosh in their primes is fucking asinine.

Those are the sorts of questions that should be asked Sunday night when the Mavericks take a three-games-to-two lead into Miami. If the Mavericks win, here's guessing that America, instead of focusing on the celebrating Nowitzki, will instead be searching to examine the face of the mourning James, the body language of the angry Wade, the confusion on the flighty Bosh.

Well, the Mavs did win (YAY!), and I can say that most of the attention was on Dallas, their players, their owner and their celebration. Anything else was brought on by the Heat, justifying their status as whiny babies. Seriously, and I know this is after the fact of the article being written, but did you hear what LeBron said afterwards?

At the end of the day, all the people that was rooting for me to fail have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They got the same personal problems that they had today. I’m gonna continue to live the way I wanna live and continue to do the things that I wanna do with me and my family and be happy with that. They get a few days, or a few months, or whatever the case may be on being happy about not only myself but the Miami Heat not accomplishing they goal, but they gotta get back to the real world at some point.

Holy shit, those are some sour-ass grapes. If people want to dump on the Heat, specifically LeBron James, after that quote? Then they have more than a right to do so. Fuck man. Fuck. That. Man.

America will believe the Heat deserved this defeat, quickly and joyfully casting shame upon it for acting so truly … American?

Things Bill Plaschke Applauds:

1 – Disloyalty
2 – Unforgiveness
3 – Communism
4 – Xenophobia
5 – Misplaced jingoism

Seriously, it's not American to take less money so that your parent company can get plaudits. But then again, asking Bill Plaschke not to miss the point is like asking Eric Bischoff not to make Impact about him and his legal problems. Not. Gonna. Happen.

Remember you can contact TH and ask him questions about wrestling, life or anything else. Please refer to this post for contact information. He always takes questions!